At this point in the process, i have very strange feelings. I was doing shots and involved in making my follicles grow but now they have grown and my eggs have been retrieved. And now i just wait. I feel like i have no more control and that is hard for me. Now everyone says, it is all about having faith. And i do have faith but a part of me thinks, God has so much going on, does he really concern himself with little ole me in Louisiana..? But another part of me truly believes that there is a plan for everyone that is already planned out. And having kids has to be part of my plan. I don't really feel like i do or do not have faith at this point..Its a weird feeling. I just feel like I'm waiting, waiting on his plan to unfold and wishing with everything that i am that this is our time. I guess that is faith. I have faith that this will happen eventually, and i just really hope that time is now. I hope our embryos are strong and that they implant successfully. I hope that i am finally done with this battle of infertility and i can finally be at peace with knowing that i will be a Mom. But another part of me feels so guilty for wanting this so badly, he has already blessed me with so much, i almost feel selfish..like why is it not enough? This process is physical but the emotional is so much worse. It makes you doubt everything and most of all yourself. Sometimes i feel like infertility is a punishment, like i did something to deserve this. Except i know that i didn't, i am a very nice and caring person to everyone I meet. I teach children everyday. I do deserve this..none of this makes sense. Which i guess is where faith comes in..to believe in the possibility that this will come true, having faith that God knows me and how much we want children and will give me that opportunity because he loves me. Is hope the same thing as faith?
"For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and hope." -Jeremiah 29:11
I love you and all of my 17 little grand embies that are growing somewhere just waiting to meet their wonderful Mommy. <3
ReplyDeleteI'm waiting to hear if you are having a successful transfer....please update!!
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