Keeping the Faith

I am a first year pre-k teacher at a public school and today i had an evaluation from our school board. This evaluation included a 40 page checklist of things that should be done throughout the day, some of them out of my control. I get graded on how hot the water is, how much gravel is in the playground and the type of handle i have on my door. So needless to say, a lot of things that are out of my control. So for the things i can control, i am expected to score perfectly to even out the things i cannot control. I have been preparing for this evaluation visit for the last 2 months. I have been extremely stressed. Today was my evaluation and i did wonderful!! I scored almost perfectly and only missed those things that I am not able to control. The evaluators that they send to us are self contracted and can vary in classroom experience and personalities. My evaluator today was truly an angel. They say that when God closes a door, he opens a window..this lady was my window. She was experienced, nice and made me feel so comfortable. Because i felt so comfortable i was able to be myself and do my normal routine. I was so stressed about this and my evaluator could have been terrible and rude but she wasn't. I have been doing IVF and trying hard to stay positive and today really helped. God gave me this evaluator and not any of the other 20 possible evaluators. I told her in an email that i was doing IVF and today she shared with me that it took her 10 years to be able to conceive only one child. She said that she had been saying prayers for me ever since she found out. I have to believe that this lady was brought to my classroom and my life for a reason. I have always believed that everything happens for a reason but when you are faced with infertility it is sometimes hard to keep the faith. Today was a reminder to me that everyone that is in our life is put there for a purpose and everything does happen how it is suppose to and when it is suppose to. And i believe that this is my time to be able to finally conceive. This is meant to be. Now i wait and keep the faith. It will be my time.

7th Day Scan

Today was my 7th day ultrasound and blood work appointment. My RE said that at this point of the game, you either strike out or you are ready for the final inning, so he told me "batter up". I had over 20 follicles that were measuring 12mm-17mm. The most important thing at this point is that they need to continue to grow at the same rate. He lowered my follistim to 75 IU. It originally started at 150 then got lowered to 100 and now 75. They said at this point because my estrogen level was 2000 that i am at risk for hyper stimulation (OHSS). They also insured me that even if i do end up having some OHSS that my cycle will not be cancelled. On that note, I left the RE's office and went to go register pre-op at the hospital for both my egg retrieval and my 5 day transfer. WOW. This is moving so quickly. Once you start stimming, hold on tight because its a fast ride to the end. I have a lot going on in my life pertaining to work and I'm trying really hard to not stress and worry and focus on this because IVF is so much more important. But i am a worrier. A big one. Today in the middle of teaching i thought, oh wait, i have over 20 eggs what if my body decided to ovulate all of them?! Ahhhh! But after my RE called me to give me my new injection doses, he assured me that would not happen. But still, i worried.  I worry and stress about things that i can't change anyway but i can't make myself stop..it is just who I am. And a lot of the times, worrying makes me feel more prepared for what bad i could be facing in the future. Because I have already imagined every terrible outcome that could be possible. But in this case, I'm not really worrying about the outcome of this IVF. So on one note that's good because I have confidence and i am thinking positive but then again, i'm not worrying and preparing myself for the bad that could be coming. My best advice is, to take this one day at a time. That is how me, the biggest worrier ever, is not that worried. I only focus on that one day and do not allow myself to think (or dwell) on what could or could not happen in the future. I go back on Friday for another ultrasound to see how my follicles have grown and will probably be getting the trigger shot that night. And then the date for my egg retrieval will finally be set and not just "tentative". It will be here before I know it and I'm ready.

Stimming Day 4 (4-15-12)

IVF Stimming Day 4: Today is my fourth night of my three injections, lupron, follistim and menopur. I had a doctor's appointment this morning with my RE and i am now making follicles!! We did bloodwork to check my levels since i've started stimming (all hormones levels need to be in the correct range) and then an ultrasound to check my ovaries and see how many follicles are growing. I wasn't sure how much i would already see after only 3 nights of stmming but follicles were already there!! I didn't count because i was just trying to soak it all in but on my left side i had about 5 or 6 and they were all measuring around 6mm and on my right side i probably had about 8 and they were measuring between 6 mm and 7 mm. So everything was great, they said i was responding perfectly. We waited about 30 minutes for our bloodwork results and saw that my prolactin levels have gone down to a normal range (high prolactin levels can prevent a successful pregnancy) and my estrogen levels were at 510 and the Doctor said they needed to be over 400 so that was good. He lowered my follistim dose from 150 to 100. He wants to ensure that my ovaries don't get overstimulated (OHSS). So i left feeling pretty good. I am responding well to everything, my prolactin levels are where they need to be and I am a follicle making machine! Yay! It is my fourth night and i am not really feeling any side effects from the new meds. Im still emotional and have occasional hotflashes but thats about it. I am having headaches but i am not sure if it is from my period or my new injections. I started my period the first night of my stims and RE said it should be gone by the fifth night of stims. My period is flushing out the old lining so i can make new thick lining for those eggs to stick to. I was nervous during the first week of the lurpron injections, i kept thinking about what if it doesn't work and was nervous about stimming but now that i have started stimming all of that has gone away. I don't really dwell about it, i just go about my day and then do my 3 injections at night. Everyone responds to the injections differently but i feel pretty good about it and it really hasn't been that hard on me. IVF is giving me hope. I'm ready for my happy ending.

Stimming-Day 1 (4-12-12)

IVF Stimming Day one: I have started stimming which means i now do 3 shots a night for the next 14 nights. I take 5 units of Lupron, 1 amps of Menopur and 150 IU of follistim. All i heard at the RE's office was how much the menopur burns so when i left, i was even more nervous than i had been just knowing that i was now doing 3 shots a night. They suggested to pick the easiest one first and go from there. So we did the lupron and the follistim immediately after. I was already familiar with lupron so i wasn't nervous about that one and the follistim is in a pen so it isn't too bad either. Now i knew, it was time for the bad one...i began to panic. I wanted to wait a few minutes before doing the menopur, i tried to get my courage up to just get it over with. Dustin came in and did another alcohol swab, took the cap off the needle and then looked at my face. I must've looked as terrified as i felt. He put the cap back on the needle, kissed my faced and whispered "Thank you for doing all of this to make us a baby". With those words, i had no more fear, i was suddenly brave :) He did the shot and yes it burned, but only for about 30 seconds. So, whatever you hear about menopur, don't worry too much because the needle is only a little bit bigger than the lupron injection and it only burns for a bit. I feel like through this journey of infertility, we are becoming even closer. I am so thankful to have a strong partner that i can rely on and through this process and i feel like we grow stronger everyday.

Props to the Husband

We have all felt that annoying situation when our family and friends just don't seem to understand what we are going through. And are they really even trying? And husbands are no exception. I know its been hard on my husband to see me get hopeful and get let down again and again. He was worried that i was falling into depression and of course i was. It was also hard on me to feel like he didn't understand what i was going through and how terrible this can make you feel about yourself. We made the decision together to skip IUI with injections and go straight to IVF (And i am so extremely glad we did). Since IVF has begun, he has been incredible. He gives me all of my injections so he feels much more involved and i think him being more a part of this process has helped him really see how much of a toll infertility takes physically and emotionally. I have had my doubtful days where I am afraid that this might not work but he always reassures me that he has no doubts that this will work. Man, it feels good to have his support. I have always had great support from my Mother (thank God) but with the husband it feels like we are truly preparing for our family together. Thank you Dustin. You have been there for me through everything these past 5 years and especially now, when i need you the most. God gave me this infertility struggle that I will overcome but he also gave me the most amazing partner in life. So looking at the big picture, I'm still very lucky. I'll take it :)

Stim, stim, stimming!

Tomorrow I have an appointment with my RE and it is to get my new calendar with the daily dosages of my stim meds. Which means I start my IVF stim meds that night..which means that i start making my eggs!!! I will be starting the hard part, yes apparently its been a breeze until now (yeah right). So stimming is very important, basically this is the point where you can no longer have alcohol, caffeine, artificial sweetener and strenuous exercise. They also say that you should eat like you are already pregnant so your body will be as healthy as possible and most importantly, don't forget your prenatals with extra folic acid :) You are about to be a baby making machine! When you start you stim meds, you are required to drink a certain amount of water each day to prevent OHSS (hyper stimulation of your ovaries). OHSS can be very painful and sometimes get your cycle cancelled for that month. I will get all the details tomorrow but i have read that you should drink 2 liters of water and one liter of milk daily. I will also be drinking 12 oz of Gatorade daily, this should all help prevent OHSS. The last thing I want is to go through this and then not be able to have the eggs put back in and then have to do a frozen embryo cycle. My doctor put my success rate for IVF at about a 65% but if you have to wait and do a frozen embryo cycle, that puts you back at the normal rate for conception depending on your age( i think mine is 20% but then again that is for someone without fertility issues). So tonight is my last night of a single injection, wow that was fast..I'm sure the rest of this month will fly by as well. I'm going to try really hard to just stay excited and to not get too nervous about the additional injections. Baby Dust my friends, lets get this party started!!!!

My IVF stamp of approval!

Okay haha, this just happened!! I use an icepack before my injection to help with bruising and not feeling the needle. And I store my icepack in my freezer and it just so happens to be on the top of my ground meat.

 So I put my icepack on for around 15 minutes then i take it off and do a "test pinch" and see how numb my skin is BUT when i removed my icepack, i saw that the "Freeze by expiration date" that is on the meat package has somehow come off on the icepack and has perfectly placed itself on my cold numb skin!! I don't know if it was the fabric of the icepack or the cool wetness of my skin but it was like a stamp that appeared on my skin! How crazy right?? The bottom picture is my skin, I don't know why it looks so pink..maybe the combination of the redness from the ice and my flash?? So.. to sum this up, through this process that is extremely stressful..don't forget to LAUGH! :)   :)

Lupron side effects

Here is a list i found of the possible lupron side effects with IVF.

• tiredness
• hot flashes (a sudden wave of mild or intense body heat), sweating, or clamminess
• breast tenderness, pain, or change in breast size in both men and women
• vaginal discharge, dryness, or itching in women
• spotting (light vaginal bleeding) or menstruation (periods)
• decrease in sexual ability or desire
• swelling of the hands, feet, ankles, or lower legs
• pain, burning, or tingling in the hands or feet
• pain, burning, bruising, or hardening at place where injection was given
• change in weight
• muscle or joint pain
• flu-like symptoms
• acne
• depression
• unable to control emotions and frequent mood changes
• nervousness
• general feeling of discomfort or uneasiness
• difficulty with memory

I will list the side effects that i have experienced so far, I am on day 6.  I have been very tired and I have taken a nap every afternoon since after my first injection. I have had more sweating during the night time and some hot flashes during both day and night. I have been having some brown mucus since I begin my birth control pills, it has gotten a little heavier when starting the lupron. It says "change in weight", i don't know if this is due to no appetite because i have had no appetite since beginning my injections (i have to force myself to eat and believe me that was never a problem before! ;) I also have some depression and am unable to control my emotions. I haven't had difficulty with memory yet but i was warned by my RE that he sees that side effect the most often in his patients to the extreme that they leave their dogs outside or cook spaghetti and put it in the cabinet instead of the refrigerator. So basically, if you feel like you are losing your mind at this point..its okay, that is just part of the process! haha. Kinda makes you feel better right?? :) So yes, i have a had a few side effects but they have not really interfered with my daily activities so im not too worried.

The good, the bad, the infertility

Ohh infertility. I try very hard to stay upbeat during this process but sometimes it is difficult. In the back of my mind there is always one question, what if i never have children? Wow. i cant go there..i will not go there. This entire infertility process is so draining, it is an emotional roller coaster. One day you have all the hope in the world and the next you can't stop crying. And now doing IVF, this is a big deal! This is a huge process that is so intense and what if this aggressive, amazing procedure doesn't work?  No, i repeat, i will not let myself go there. Do not let yourself go there. Yes, you will have good days and there will be bad days. And yes, this may not work but more importantly..what if it does?! This could finally be what works. And that chance is worth all of this. All of this is for a baby and it is worth it. So many people say that the key to achieving your goal is to imagine it, the mind is a very powerful thing. My mother keeps telling me to imagine my success, so that is what i have been doing. Every night before i go to bed, i imagine myself going through the steps. I see myself with a positive pregnancy test, hearing the heartbeat on the ultrasound, getting big and pregnant and giving birth in the hospital. And one thing that really keeps me going is the vision of my husband holding our baby for the first time. I can just imagine the pure joy on his face as he holds our little miracle. That is why we put ourselves through this because the result will be life changing, it will be the center of our world and the best thing we ever do. We will make a family, our own perfect family. Don't give up girls. Take the bad days and know that you will have them but no matter what..just keep going to the end. The end is where all our dreams finally come true!!

Lupron tips

My lupron injection tips for IVF...

My dose of lupron is 10units. I am taking lupron throughout my entire cycle. My birth control pills overlap with lupron for 5 days. The point of the birth control pills and the lupron is to put your ovaries at rest so that way when you start to stimulate them, they will respond really well. The point is for all the follicles to develop at the same rate. After you use your lupron the first time, it must be refrigerated. So when i get my injection ready, i put my 10 units then i put it in between my thumb and my finger for a few minutes so that it can return to room temperature. I was told that this would prevent the medication from hurting when it went in. And it hasn't hurt yet, the needle is very small and medicine has not burned after the injection. I also put an ice pack on my injection site for about 15 minutes before the injection, that helps with not feeling the needle and the possibility of bruising. They say to do the injection underneath your belly button and anywhere down to your hip bone and to alternate sides. Today a little blood came back out but i think that is because i was squeezing my skin too tightly, so watch for that too. Lupron day 3-done!!!! One step closer to a baby :)

lupron injection-day 2

Today was the second day of my lupron injection. Many women like to give themselves the injections so they feel in control but i do not. My husband has and will give me all of my injections. The injections are given in the stomach, below the belly button. I am terrified of needles. If i can do this, anyone can do this. These are baby making needles!! I'm trying to remember to be excited and not scared during this process. It may not be the conventional way but i am making a baby and that is very exciting! :)

Our IVF meds

Our box of IVF meds!! Yes, that is a lot of needles. I was told not to freak out because i won't use them all, that they supply extras just incase. But when i first opened the box, i was freaking out!!!!! It is slowly starting to set in how intense and aggressive this process is. Which gives me hope. I see women who IVF has worked for, a lot of them. Those women were right where I am now, everything else they had tried failed and then this worked. This can work. This will work.

My battle with infertility

My name is Kristen and i am 26 years old. I got married to the most wonderful man on August 14, 2010. And ever since that moment i have been living in a dream, everyday i think..how can i be this lucky? And i do feel extremely lucky and blessed every single day. Even with the fact that we are faced with something that newly married couples do not want to hear, we have infertility issues and cannot seem to make children on our own. Everyday I'm terrified of the idea that i may never have children but i try very hard to keep faith and know that children have to be in God's plan for us...

Here is how our story begins:
My husband and I love children and have always wanted to start a family early after marriage. I was required to take a "natural family planning" class before getting married so i was already charting my ovulation cycle. I was thrilled when I realized that I would be ovulating on my honeymoon! What luck!! But my luck with ovulation, pretty much ends there. After 7 months of not conceiving on our own, i decided it was time to see my gynecologist. She ran tests and couldn't find anything, i had low progesterone and she said that maybe i was not ovulating and prescribed me progesterone supplements. After about 5 months on those, i decided that i really needed a specialist. I made an appointment with a reproductive endocrinologist (RE). He ran many tests and found nothing. These tests involved both me and my husband. I was diagnosed with unexplained infertility. (as in, they can't really find any reason why this isn't working) He put me on clomid 50 mg to guarantee that i would have a good ovulation cycle. Nothing. He put me on clomid 100mg, nothing. He put me on clomid 150 mg, something. After an ultrasound of my follicle, i had produced an egg. I was thrilled!! This was finally our time!!! (it wasn't). This went on for 6 months and i never got pregnant. I then started to have severe symptoms from clomid which included blurry vision, which could have lead to blindness or a heart attack. Okay, time to switch meds! I was then put on Femera. Femera (in my opinion) is a much better drug! It gave me less side effects and better results (It just isn't FDA approved, no big deal right? ;). So on Femera, I was producing 2 good eggs. We decided to do Femera with IUI. IUI is "Artificial Insemination: the process by which sperm is placed into the reproductive tract of a female for the purpose of impregnating the female by using means other than sexual intercourse or natural insemination." Using an IUI would help us time the cycle perfectly so that the sperm was being placed at the right place at the right time. We had 4 failed IUI's. Ok. At this point you start to feel pretty discouraged. I almost wish they would have found something because atleast there would be something to fix. At this time, I am getting pretty depressed and overwhelmed with the idea that maybe this will never happen. My husband was getting worried about my emotional state and we decided to talk about our options at this point. We had a consultation with our RE about Invitro Fertilization. IVF  is a process by which egg cells are fertilized by sperm outside the body. IVF is a major treatment in infertility when other methods of assisted reproductive technology have failed. IVF is expensive and no infertility treatments are covered by insurance in the United States. IVF would be $13,000 and would involved numerous different medications, injections at home, unltrasounds, bloodwork and weekly appointments. You are given injections to make as many eggs as possible and when this eggs are at their mature state, they are extracted in a minor surgery procedure. These eggs are immediately fertilized and placed in incubation. These eggs will hopefully start to grow. They will take the best 2 embryos and place them back in the body either 3 days or 5 days after extraction. And then you wait...and pray that one will implant. We started the IVF process 2 days ago :) I am finally feeling hopeful again. IVF is expensive but it is also very in depth. This will work!!

If you are starting this journey, I found this site helpful.
IVF Hints - Fertility Plus