She turned her can'ts into cans and her dreams into plans

I called my RE today and they are in the middle of a FET/IVF cycle now and there will not be another one until January. But since i start my period in a week, i can still make this cycle. THANK GOD! I can't imagine having to wait until January...i would be crushed. I will call next week when my period starts to begin my birth control. I'm ready to make this work! I have heard good things about the success rate of Frozen Embryo Transfers and my friend even sent me this link to an article saying that Frozen Embryos may result in healthier babies

http://m.guardian.co.uk/science/2012/sep/04/ivf-embryos-frozen-healthier-babies?cat=science&type=article

With the new day comes new strength and new thoughts. -Eleanor Roosevelt

Life is good again. Not great but its easier to enjoy the little things. I am trying to track my ovulation which who knows if that is a good thing or a bad thing because it leads to many questions. Can I even track my ovulation? Is tracking my ovulation going to make me crazy because why would there be any chance that i could just get pregnant on my own now? Or is it making it better because it reminds me of when we first got married? That was before the word "infertility" was in my life. Before i was a human encyclopedia of definitions and statistics based on age and fertility. It was the beginning and it was full of hopes and dreams that had yet to be crushed by infertility. No IVF, no injections, no IUI, no femera, no clomid. Just a thermometer, ovulation detections strips and a lot of sex. This week has been like the old days, when my biggest fertility worry was trying to decide if my ovulation strip line is dark enough to call ovulation and hoping that maybe it is. It feels good to hope and dream again. Even though i will always remain cautious because of past events. But a little dreaming is better than none at all. Dreaming is a luxury that infertility takes from you. It takes your hopes and dreams and makes you doubt everything. It makes planning seem impossible, because "we might have a baby by then". But i wont let it win, I will continue to dream and we will get our family. I am a dreamer but I'm not the only one.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
 -Eleanor Roosevelt

 Dream a little dream for me...

IVF, Miscarriage is a four letter word

I had an appointment with my regular obgyn on Tuesday. We weren't sure how far along I was so they said they would do an ultrasound so they could start my pregnancy file and give me a due date. I was so excited to be at my normal obgyn, i finally got here, i finally felt like just a normal pregnancy patient and not a infertility patient.  My mom was with me and we couldn't wait to be able to get an ultrasound. We talked about how we wanted them to do one for a week before the appointment. She didn't get to see the baby yet and I really wanted to hear the heartbeat to finally get a little relief. I had no idea that this ultrasound would change everything. No heartbeat. I should have been measuring 8weeks3days but I was only measuring 6weeks2days. My baby stopped growing, i had a miscarriage.

I chose to have a d and c. I couldn't imagine having to bleed my baby out in the toilet and the thought of our baby falling into the toilet was more than my husband could bear. I had my d and c this morning. It is impossible to describe the feeling of losing a pregnancy. One minute i was about to see my baby's heartbeat on the ultrasound and watch all my dreams really be true and the next minute...it is all over. I have no baby. I had been walking around for 2 weeks with no baby. I thought of all the times we laughed and talked to the baby in my belly, how we fought over names and the sex we wanted. And my favorite thing was my husband kissing my belly when we were laying together or when he would leave the house for work. It was finally real, we would be a family. All of a sudden, i am not pregnant. I think the hardest thing was seeing my husband so devastated, i feel like my body let him down, I feet like I let him down. We were finally letting ourselves be excited and i couldn't stop imagining how beautiful our baby would be. I couldn't wait to see what our combined genes would create. But now it is just gone.

We are getting through this together and will not let any tragedy, no matter how devastating, tear us apart. We will get through this together. And we will not give up. Atleast i know now that i can get pregnant, we will not stop until our miracle baby comes through. To anyone that has had a miscarriage, i'm so sorry. It is hard to believe that all this pain is part of God's plan but we will not lose faith and neither should you. Don't give up ladies, we will do everything we can to control our own destiny and make our dreams come true. We will be Moms and create the family we deserve. Believe in miracles <3