IVF, Bruises, Hormones, Hives and Tears

This is my second round of IVF and I didn't realize how spoiled I was with the first one because this one is rough on my body! I have been getting side effects from the lupron including fatigue, headaches and hives. The hives are terrible, they swell up for about 3 days so I have to give a shot on top of the hives because we have to rotate sides each night. You can also see the shot marks all over my now swollen stomach...I look like a pin cushion! But we all know, the physical part of this is the easiest, it is the emotional that gets us. My hormones have also been crazy!! This morning my husband said, "babe why are you about to cry?"... I just said, "I don't know...why not?!" Waaaa!!! HAHAHA. This is quite a journey ladies. So remind your husband that your hormones are crazy and remind yourself that your hormones are crazy. But this too will pass... so just focus on your next appointment and being able to see all your follicles growing strong and know that is is okay to cry and to be scared but also be hopeful and have faith. My Mom always says that we need to focus on the small victories during this process to get us through. So I will celebrate my 21 growing follicles and my great estrogen level and just be thankful that I have the opportunity to do invitro because not everyone does.

~Kristen

IVF, time for Stimming!

We had our "Stim Start" last Monday. This means that we are now having 3 shots a night: Lupron, Follistim and Menopur. The follistim and the Menopur is what makes the follicles grow and makes our eggs. At my clinic when you start stimming, you go to the doctor every 3 days the first week. You get bloodwork and ultrasound done to check your estrogen levels and that you have follicles growing, depending on these results your dose can be lowered, increased or can remain the same.

I went to my RE on Wednesday and already had 21 follicles!!! :) Yay! Please remember that your follicles have to mature to a certain number to be viable so just because you have 21 follicles does not mean you will have 21 eggs to fertilize. My estrogen number needed to be between 200 and 400 and mine was 311 so my medication dose remained the same and my nurse said that I was responding beautifully to my meds.

I have to say, going to the doctor really helps. It shows you that you have follicles and reminds you why you are doing all of this. We are making a baby... So try to forget about your swelling stomach and how crazy these hormones are making you and say...we are making a baby :)

Here is a Video of my husband mixing the 3 medications:

Mixing Lupron, Follistim and Menopur 

 

And one day, I hope to look like this!! 

 

 

~Kristen

IVF, Infertility Sucks!

-You have been betrayed by your own body
-I feel broken inside
-It changes you
-You plan, you fail, you plan again, you fail 
-Fear of the "what if", what if it never happens
-Seeing a newborn now causes you pain
-Every month, you die a little inside
-My life is medication, appointments and shots
-You cry tears of broken dreams
-You pray 
-You WAIT, you wait to start meds, you wait to see if the follicles are growing, you wait to see how many eggs they retrieved, you wait to see if they fertilized, you wait to see if they are growing and dividing normally, you wait for the transfer day, you wait to see if it worked this time, you wait to see if you miscarry again...

Then you take a deep breath, hold your head up high
And try to be strong yet again

But, when my life feels beyond hard, I hold the hand of the person that loves me most
And I am thankful



~Kristen

Third time is the charm..right guys?!

Hello all, long time no write

It is that time again... Invitro time. This will be my second IVF cycle and my third cycle in all, including a frozen cycle. Last year in April I did my first IVF cycle and now in April this year, I will be doing my second IVF cycle.

I went in today and talked to my RE; my protocol for IVF #2 will change in the doses of medicine (since last time I made 27 eggs and was extremely overstimulated) and this time, they will be performing assistant hatching on my embryos. I looked up assistant hatching today online but this is how my RE explained it. My embryos are implanting and I am getting pregnant, I am just not staying pregnant. Assisted hatching will remove the outer layer of the embryo to hopefully help it implant better which will hopefully make it stick. I asked my RE if he could squirt some super glue in there before the embryo transfer but he didnt think that was a good idea ;)

I start my follistim on March 25th and stimming on April 1st

I feel surprisingly optimistic since nothing has ever been found to cause our infertility and I am getting pregnant but miscarrying; I just feel like it is a numbers game at this point. It is just how many times will it take before it works and sticks?? Sooner or later it will stay... so now we just hope that is it sooner and not later

Will will beat the dreaded "Infertility Monster"!

~Kristen

IVF, Miscarriage #2

I started spotting on Thursday and it felt like my world was ending. My beta numbers had been so high that I thought maybe I was having two. Which gave us twice the chance to end up with one baby. We went for an ultrasound on Monday and it showed that there was still a baby in there, we did another beta and the number had dropped. I stopped all my progesterone and estrogen and had a natural miscarriage at home. And now I am trying to just survive every day and not feel like all hope is lost. With my first miscarriage, I could make excuses on why it didn't work and still be hopeful to try again but after the second one...I am pretty terrified that it will never work. The feeling is overwhelming, it is effecting every aspect of my life. I am sad, very very sad. I feel like I'm hitting rock bottom, which is hard for me because I am such a positive person. And now, I just want this to be over. I was so motivated to do whatever it took for us to have our baby and now I am just ready to stop obsessing about this everyday. I can't imagine how it would feel to have a month that isn't disappointing. For the past 2 1/2 years, I have had hope and got let down every single month. It is truly emotionally exhausting. In my state, you cannot adopt locally until you've been married for 3 years, you can only do an overseas adoption. I never thought I would feel like this, I thought I would fight to the end and never give up but I just want a baby, a baby to love and give my everything to, i am just so ready. I am just feeling lost and sad and terrified that we will do invitro again and get the same devastating result. I have an appointment with my RE on December 19 to discuss our next step, which we have decided to spend another $14, 000 and do invitro again. I just can't imagine if I end up having another miscarriage, or how I am suppose to survive if this happens again...but I can't give up yet on having my own baby... I won't give up yet. The only thing to do when you have reached rock bottom, is to pick yourself up. I am ready to pick myself up...

~Kristen

With the new day comes new strength and new thoughts. -Eleanor Roosevelt

Life is good again. Not great but its easier to enjoy the little things. I am trying to track my ovulation which who knows if that is a good thing or a bad thing because it leads to many questions. Can I even track my ovulation? Is tracking my ovulation going to make me crazy because why would there be any chance that i could just get pregnant on my own now? Or is it making it better because it reminds me of when we first got married? That was before the word "infertility" was in my life. Before i was a human encyclopedia of definitions and statistics based on age and fertility. It was the beginning and it was full of hopes and dreams that had yet to be crushed by infertility. No IVF, no injections, no IUI, no femera, no clomid. Just a thermometer, ovulation detections strips and a lot of sex. This week has been like the old days, when my biggest fertility worry was trying to decide if my ovulation strip line is dark enough to call ovulation and hoping that maybe it is. It feels good to hope and dream again. Even though i will always remain cautious because of past events. But a little dreaming is better than none at all. Dreaming is a luxury that infertility takes from you. It takes your hopes and dreams and makes you doubt everything. It makes planning seem impossible, because "we might have a baby by then". But i wont let it win, I will continue to dream and we will get our family. I am a dreamer but I'm not the only one.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
 -Eleanor Roosevelt

 Dream a little dream for me...

Beta Numbers

IVF Beta Numbers, the good, the bad, the heck if I know!

My first beta number came back at 80, got the call and its official... I am Pregnant! We have waited so very long to hear those words. I cannot believe that those words are real. The Charting everyday, then Clomid, then Femara, next the IUI's, then finally IVF.

I found this great site to give you incite into beta numbers. 16 days past ovulation and hcg numbers. BUT remember that when they test you after IUI or IVF, it will be earlier than a women that would have normally missed her period so the number will most probably be lower than the first number on the chart. It seems there is no right or wrong. Every woman will have different numbers, i have found numerous articles that say not to obsess over these numbers. (Obviously we obsess about every little thing at this point but they say to try not too).

So my next two betas were not as good as the doctor would have liked to have seen. He said since it was still early on, it shouldn't double but atleast increase by 60%. My second beta increased by about 40% and my third increased by 60%. Am I worried.... I am terrified. I know they have to prepare you for the worst just incase but I would like to not spend every minute of my day worried that my next beta won't be high enough and my miracle will be over.  I go back Tuesday for another one. The numbers always went up, never down. And by the info from the link above, I should be fine. I also found out that dehydration can effect the hcg levels and I have most certainly been dehydrated.

But as of now, I am pregnant. I keep telling myself, I am pregnant. I have a little sesame seed growing inside of me. I hope and pray that it stays there safe and sound. I am still trying not to get too excited or plan too much imaging what my beautiful family will look like and feel like. My Husband is getting so excited too, which makes me feel even more pressure to keep this baby growing inside me (like i have any control) but it still feels like my job and I would be letting everyone down. I am so very thankful for my miracle and now i just wait for my happy ending. Beta in two days...think high numbers!!!

27 Eggs!!!

My IVF journey continues.. 
I had my egg retrieval yesterday morning and let me just say that i was terrified!! I never had an i.v. or anesthesia before and i was not sure what to expect. And of course, it wasn't bad at all. The nurse was amazing and the i.v. went in great then we sat and waited for our turn in the surgical room. I remembered being wheeled into the surgical room and walking to a table and putting my feet in the stirrups, then the anesthesiologist said he would give me something to feel relaxed but not to fall asleep yet and i don't remember one thing after that until i woke up back in my room. The procedure took about 25 minutes to complete.  My husband said that i was already in my room for about 20 minutes but i don't remember any of that time. He said that with all those drugs i seemed wasted and that it was hilarious. He said that i asked how many eggs we got and he said 27. And then i said, "27 holy shit, that's a lot. Give me five mouther fucka". Yeah..i do not usually talk like that and this was with the Dr and Nurses still in there. (had to be the drugs)  Haha. At least we have something to laugh about, we always have something to laugh about :) We have been working for this moment for over a month, the egg retrieval, and i had 27 eggs....hell yeah!!!!!!