Dancing in the womb

We saw you today little one. You were dancing in the womb. You are only 9 weeks new and you are so very loved. Here is your glamor headshot.



Stats: heartbeat of 170. due date of Dec 11th.

~Kristen

Happiness

Whoooooooo Hooooooooo!!!

IVF, 5 day, Tranfer Day!!!

With my warm socks on my feet sent from my IVF buddy. My RE implanted 2 perfect grade blast. We did Assisted Hatching and you could already see them oozing out. It was a wonderful site to see. The embryos were pictured on an ultrasound and one nurse said, "Oh you're putting in 3 embryos?!" I said that we did assisted hatching so they were already coming out the shell but it really did look like 3...did one split into identical twins during the assisted hatching process?! ahhhh!!! haha just kidding, that's extremely rare. But it was oozing out the shell and it was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen! When they drop into place on the ultrasound... everyone in the room awed. They said that was "a perfect drop". I have such a good feeling this cycle. It took a while to get here but now the calm has set in. Will I pee on a stick? You bet I will!! I feel certain that I will receive a positive, My fresh IVF and my FET  worked for me both times but, both resulted in a miscarriage. We just need to make this one stick!! My RE felt the Assisted Hatching would help them to attach better and deeper. I am still taking my estrogen, the med to lower my prolactin level, my pre-natals and of course my progesterone suppositories. The last 2 cycles, I did the progesterone, 100mg twice a day but because of the miscarriages, this cycle it has been bumped up to 100mg, three times a day.


My call came from the Embryologist the next day. We had 2 perfect little embies to freeze. So now, I am just vegging on the couch until Monday when I head back to work.
Stay tuned for future test results. <3

~chillin Kristen

IVF, 3 day embryo update

Well.... can you hear my sigh of relief? 

The report this morning from our Embryologist was 6 perfect 8 cell embryos with zero fragmentation. You just don't get better than that!!! So today, I will take this one small miracle that has been offered to us and hold it tight. In two days, 2 of those little beauties will be given back to my body. It is such a gift that science has given us the technology to help us become Mother's. Today is a good day and I am thankful!

Thankful for
my wonderful husband
my supportive family
that fact that we can afford to do IVF
my classroom full of Pre-K 4 year olds, that I am missing this week
my fantastic doctor and caring embryologist
face licks from my little doggie
and the soft purr of my kitties laying next to me

Here is info on what a 3 day old embryo should look like.
IVF Quality and Grading of 3 day old embryos



 ~Kristen

IVF, time for Stimming!

We had our "Stim Start" last Monday. This means that we are now having 3 shots a night: Lupron, Follistim and Menopur. The follistim and the Menopur is what makes the follicles grow and makes our eggs. At my clinic when you start stimming, you go to the doctor every 3 days the first week. You get bloodwork and ultrasound done to check your estrogen levels and that you have follicles growing, depending on these results your dose can be lowered, increased or can remain the same.

I went to my RE on Wednesday and already had 21 follicles!!! :) Yay! Please remember that your follicles have to mature to a certain number to be viable so just because you have 21 follicles does not mean you will have 21 eggs to fertilize. My estrogen number needed to be between 200 and 400 and mine was 311 so my medication dose remained the same and my nurse said that I was responding beautifully to my meds.

I have to say, going to the doctor really helps. It shows you that you have follicles and reminds you why you are doing all of this. We are making a baby... So try to forget about your swelling stomach and how crazy these hormones are making you and say...we are making a baby :)

Here is a Video of my husband mixing the 3 medications:

Mixing Lupron, Follistim and Menopur 

 

And one day, I hope to look like this!! 

 

 

~Kristen

IVF, Believe in Miracles

The moment you're ready to quit is usually the moment right before the miracle happens. 

Working on my miracle...

Don't give up!

~ hopeful Kristen

Third time is the charm..right guys?!

Hello all, long time no write

It is that time again... Invitro time. This will be my second IVF cycle and my third cycle in all, including a frozen cycle. Last year in April I did my first IVF cycle and now in April this year, I will be doing my second IVF cycle.

I went in today and talked to my RE; my protocol for IVF #2 will change in the doses of medicine (since last time I made 27 eggs and was extremely overstimulated) and this time, they will be performing assistant hatching on my embryos. I looked up assistant hatching today online but this is how my RE explained it. My embryos are implanting and I am getting pregnant, I am just not staying pregnant. Assisted hatching will remove the outer layer of the embryo to hopefully help it implant better which will hopefully make it stick. I asked my RE if he could squirt some super glue in there before the embryo transfer but he didnt think that was a good idea ;)

I start my follistim on March 25th and stimming on April 1st

I feel surprisingly optimistic since nothing has ever been found to cause our infertility and I am getting pregnant but miscarrying; I just feel like it is a numbers game at this point. It is just how many times will it take before it works and sticks?? Sooner or later it will stay... so now we just hope that is it sooner and not later

Will will beat the dreaded "Infertility Monster"!

~Kristen

IVF, Miscarriage #2

I started spotting on Thursday and it felt like my world was ending. My beta numbers had been so high that I thought maybe I was having two. Which gave us twice the chance to end up with one baby. We went for an ultrasound on Monday and it showed that there was still a baby in there, we did another beta and the number had dropped. I stopped all my progesterone and estrogen and had a natural miscarriage at home. And now I am trying to just survive every day and not feel like all hope is lost. With my first miscarriage, I could make excuses on why it didn't work and still be hopeful to try again but after the second one...I am pretty terrified that it will never work. The feeling is overwhelming, it is effecting every aspect of my life. I am sad, very very sad. I feel like I'm hitting rock bottom, which is hard for me because I am such a positive person. And now, I just want this to be over. I was so motivated to do whatever it took for us to have our baby and now I am just ready to stop obsessing about this everyday. I can't imagine how it would feel to have a month that isn't disappointing. For the past 2 1/2 years, I have had hope and got let down every single month. It is truly emotionally exhausting. In my state, you cannot adopt locally until you've been married for 3 years, you can only do an overseas adoption. I never thought I would feel like this, I thought I would fight to the end and never give up but I just want a baby, a baby to love and give my everything to, i am just so ready. I am just feeling lost and sad and terrified that we will do invitro again and get the same devastating result. I have an appointment with my RE on December 19 to discuss our next step, which we have decided to spend another $14, 000 and do invitro again. I just can't imagine if I end up having another miscarriage, or how I am suppose to survive if this happens again...but I can't give up yet on having my own baby... I won't give up yet. The only thing to do when you have reached rock bottom, is to pick yourself up. I am ready to pick myself up...

~Kristen

That's the thing about the day before your life changes forever...it feels like any other day

I had two frozen embryos left from my IVF procedure in May. The process of a frozen embryo transfer is so much more relaxed than invitro. There is not a process of making the eggs so no shots are needed which means no overstimulation. I had to take estrogen pills for two weeks then progesterone for 4 days before the transfer then steroids for four days after and estrogen and progesterone for the next ten days until the blood pregnancy test.  My frozen embryo transfer was last Wednesday on the 17th (which was the 3 year anniversary of our engagement..good juju right?!) My blood pregnancy test is scheduled for October 27th, which is 10 days past transfer. After a miscarriage in July, we really want this to work or should I say.. We really need this to work. My sanity needs this to work.  I of course, googled FET and found very high success rates and also that taking progesterone before the transfer makes the uterine lining sticky and ready for implantation. Google very seldom makes you feel better but i tried to only find accurate and successful information to keep my spirits up.  I felt confident but having infertility makes you feel like getting pregnant is nearly impossible so you say you are trying to be positive but its pretty difficult. Along with my other medications I have also been taking baby aspirin, prenatal vitamins and vitamin D all month. My transfer was on the Wednesday, I stayed in the bed Wednesday and Thursday and sat on the couch doing work Friday. Now comes the big question.. when to do my home pregnancy test? If you do it too early and its negative, its tough to mentally understand that it could still be too early. After IVF last time I tested 11dp5dt and it was positive and I kept thinking that if I would've  tested sooner than i could've known sooner! So now its been 5dp5dt and I'm still trying to stay positive..to just think positive, the mind is a powerful thing. And one minute I feel like this has to work, this is the plan..and then the next minute I am terrified that I will never have my own children. I feel like I could have some pregnancy symptoms: breast tenderness, sore lower back, smelling everything and even throwing up from a smell today. But as infertility women know, again, the mind is a powerful thing and I never trust my symptoms because so many times in the past it has been nothing. And so now I wait, I wait and wonder...will one day this week be the last day before my life changes forever? because today feels like any other day..

She turned her can'ts into cans and her dreams into plans

I called my RE today and they are in the middle of a FET/IVF cycle now and there will not be another one until January. But since i start my period in a week, i can still make this cycle. THANK GOD! I can't imagine having to wait until January...i would be crushed. I will call next week when my period starts to begin my birth control. I'm ready to make this work! I have heard good things about the success rate of Frozen Embryo Transfers and my friend even sent me this link to an article saying that Frozen Embryos may result in healthier babies

http://m.guardian.co.uk/science/2012/sep/04/ivf-embryos-frozen-healthier-babies?cat=science&type=article

FET, Frozen Embryo Transfer Time

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When im at the grocery store or the park or an LSU game or just about anywhere and I see a young family, I can’t help but to imagine how my own family will be one day. My battle with infertility makes so many things difficult. There is no trying to plan the right time to have a baby, no being able to make a baby by just having a pure intimate moment with my husband or having the wonderful surprise of a missed period that results in something magical that can change your life forever. My life takes doctors, medications, appointments and a lot of money. And to this day, there is still no baby. But there is still hope. I know that no matter when or how that moment will finally come, I will be one hell of a Mom. My Husband and I have such an amazing and strong relationship, the idea of raising a child together to be half of each of us is such a mesmerizing thought. I cannot wait to have that experience with him. He is the most amazing man I have ever met and I know with all my heart that he will also be the best dad I’ve ever known. I’m ready to have a baby for so many reasons and I cannot wait until I have my own little family.  And at the end of this month, I will begin the process to have my frozen embryo transfer and I pray with all my heart that I will finally have my miracle. I am ready to see my husband as a Father and to finally be a Mother and to have our happy ending that completes us. I only have two frozen embryos, so I need it to work. Please work!!!! Pray with me people, i need it! ;)

With the new day comes new strength and new thoughts. -Eleanor Roosevelt

Life is good again. Not great but its easier to enjoy the little things. I am trying to track my ovulation which who knows if that is a good thing or a bad thing because it leads to many questions. Can I even track my ovulation? Is tracking my ovulation going to make me crazy because why would there be any chance that i could just get pregnant on my own now? Or is it making it better because it reminds me of when we first got married? That was before the word "infertility" was in my life. Before i was a human encyclopedia of definitions and statistics based on age and fertility. It was the beginning and it was full of hopes and dreams that had yet to be crushed by infertility. No IVF, no injections, no IUI, no femera, no clomid. Just a thermometer, ovulation detections strips and a lot of sex. This week has been like the old days, when my biggest fertility worry was trying to decide if my ovulation strip line is dark enough to call ovulation and hoping that maybe it is. It feels good to hope and dream again. Even though i will always remain cautious because of past events. But a little dreaming is better than none at all. Dreaming is a luxury that infertility takes from you. It takes your hopes and dreams and makes you doubt everything. It makes planning seem impossible, because "we might have a baby by then". But i wont let it win, I will continue to dream and we will get our family. I am a dreamer but I'm not the only one.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
 -Eleanor Roosevelt

 Dream a little dream for me...

IVF Back up Plan-Frozen Embryo Transfer

I'm finding out that time might not heal all but it does seem to be helping. Each day gets a little bit easier and it really helps to keep myself busy. And now for our back up plan. We have two frozen embryos from our last invitro cycle. The statistics for a frozen embryo transfer (FET) seems to be just as good as invitro (depending on age and egg quality of course). With FET, you can either do a medicated or non-medicated cycle. My doctor does medicated cycles unless you request a non-medicated one, a FET with a medicated cycle is the more aggressive approach. I will of course do a medicated cycle, this will involve lupron, steroids, estrogen and progesterone. So a FET cycle is like a mini IVF cycle. My RE says that my body needs to rest from my last IVF and miscarriage but we can do the FET in a few months. So I will call in August and tell them I'm ready! The worst thing about a miscarriage is that you want to be pregnant again NOW and with infertility that isn't really an option. So now we wait...

Beta Numbers

IVF Beta Numbers, the good, the bad, the heck if I know!

My first beta number came back at 80, got the call and its official... I am Pregnant! We have waited so very long to hear those words. I cannot believe that those words are real. The Charting everyday, then Clomid, then Femara, next the IUI's, then finally IVF.

I found this great site to give you incite into beta numbers. 16 days past ovulation and hcg numbers. BUT remember that when they test you after IUI or IVF, it will be earlier than a women that would have normally missed her period so the number will most probably be lower than the first number on the chart. It seems there is no right or wrong. Every woman will have different numbers, i have found numerous articles that say not to obsess over these numbers. (Obviously we obsess about every little thing at this point but they say to try not too).

So my next two betas were not as good as the doctor would have liked to have seen. He said since it was still early on, it shouldn't double but atleast increase by 60%. My second beta increased by about 40% and my third increased by 60%. Am I worried.... I am terrified. I know they have to prepare you for the worst just incase but I would like to not spend every minute of my day worried that my next beta won't be high enough and my miracle will be over.  I go back Tuesday for another one. The numbers always went up, never down. And by the info from the link above, I should be fine. I also found out that dehydration can effect the hcg levels and I have most certainly been dehydrated.

But as of now, I am pregnant. I keep telling myself, I am pregnant. I have a little sesame seed growing inside of me. I hope and pray that it stays there safe and sound. I am still trying not to get too excited or plan too much imaging what my beautiful family will look like and feel like. My Husband is getting so excited too, which makes me feel even more pressure to keep this baby growing inside me (like i have any control) but it still feels like my job and I would be letting everyone down. I am so very thankful for my miracle and now i just wait for my happy ending. Beta in two days...think high numbers!!!

Retrieval week sickness :(

I had my IVF egg retrieval on Monday and i didn't feel that terrible after. I had some severe cramping but that was about it. I was taking Tylenol every 4 hours and using my heating pad around the clock. On Wednesday, I started to go down hill fast. From Wednesday to Saturday i felt like i was dying. I was cramping, throwing up, extremely weak, dizzy and wanted to cry. I couldn't keep anything down but then again was weak from the lack of food and water..it was an endless cycle. My husband was very worried and kept telling me to call the doctor saying, "this can't be normal". And yes, i was also thinking that this could not be normal but I was afraid that if they knew how sick I was that they wouldn't do my transfer and everything would be wasted...no fresh embryo cycle..just a frozen cycle in a few months. That idea was an even worse feeling then my sickness. I called my RE on Thursday and they called me in some prescription nausea medicine that they prescribe to chemo patients. They wanted me to call back the next day and update them before my transfer because they wouldn't want to do the transfer if i was throwing up since i wasn't suppose to be straining after. My RE's office closes at noon on Fridays. I called at 10:30 and was pleased to say that i had not thrown up again since yesterday, my transfer appointment was set for 8:15 the next morning...this was going to happen. I wish i felt good enough to enjoy that feeling, that afternoon i started throwing up again...now i just prayed that i would feel better for my transfer day tomorrow, the moment i had been waiting for all this time.

27 Eggs!!!

My IVF journey continues.. 
I had my egg retrieval yesterday morning and let me just say that i was terrified!! I never had an i.v. or anesthesia before and i was not sure what to expect. And of course, it wasn't bad at all. The nurse was amazing and the i.v. went in great then we sat and waited for our turn in the surgical room. I remembered being wheeled into the surgical room and walking to a table and putting my feet in the stirrups, then the anesthesiologist said he would give me something to feel relaxed but not to fall asleep yet and i don't remember one thing after that until i woke up back in my room. The procedure took about 25 minutes to complete.  My husband said that i was already in my room for about 20 minutes but i don't remember any of that time. He said that with all those drugs i seemed wasted and that it was hilarious. He said that i asked how many eggs we got and he said 27. And then i said, "27 holy shit, that's a lot. Give me five mouther fucka". Yeah..i do not usually talk like that and this was with the Dr and Nurses still in there. (had to be the drugs)  Haha. At least we have something to laugh about, we always have something to laugh about :) We have been working for this moment for over a month, the egg retrieval, and i had 27 eggs....hell yeah!!!!!!