Dancing in the womb

We saw you today little one. You were dancing in the womb. You are only 9 weeks new and you are so very loved. Here is your glamor headshot.



Stats: heartbeat of 170. due date of Dec 11th.

~Kristen

Reflux and the feeling of failure. The things we did for GERD with a newborn.

Our sweetness has reflux, GERD, (or the evil that makes babies scream) call it what you like. I feel like a Mommy failure. You have all these plans, the baby gets here and you have an idea of what you life will be. (well an inkling of an idea) First my beautiful baby with perfect baby skin developed eczema. Not just a little but everywhere. It was horrible. Finally resolving mostly with nightly baths in Eucerin Aquaphor wash and shampoo, as prescribed by her doctor. Her little skin finally looked better after about a week and a half. At about 8 weeks came the reflux. (step #1.) As a breastfeeding Mommy, I cut everything out of my diet that "they" said could be the culprit. "They" being my Pediatrician and anyone who had a voice or opinion on the internet. Baby still screamed, and let me be specific... not cry, SCREAMED! (step #2.) Stopped breastfeeding and moved her to Alimentum formula. (this made the biggest difference) This was gut wrenching hard but, like a ray of light after the storm... within 12 hours, she smiled. She did well on this for about 3 weeks. (step #3.) Then it got bad, the doctor recommenced adding rice cereal to thicken the formula to keep it down and to keep her upright for 30 minutes after feeding. (step #4.) She also prescribed Zantac. Ok, she was better for a while. And I use the term better very loosely. I spent my days in the rocking chair so she would sleep. Otherwise she would go down and sleep for 30 minutes and then scream and scream, you couldn't get her back to sleep. Screams that a little baby should never have to make. Full out screams! On Mothers Day she ended up in the emergency room. She would no longer eat, just cry. Never ever was this in my plan. (step #5.) ER said Maalox for 4 days and call her doctor to change medicine. (step #6.) The doctor moved her to Prevacid. The Maalox was like a miracle, a miracle that could only last for 4 days. Her throat was so torn up from the acid and the screaming she was hoarse. It completely broke my heart. The Prevacid was horrible, it was like taking a step backward. (step #7.) Moved to Nexium, and again we saw a difference within 12 hours. It has been a week. She is cooing again, she is moving again. During this war with reflux she had stopped doing anything. The cooing sounds stopped, she could roll from back to front and front to back... it stopped. She was just trying to make it through the day, there was no more advancement, no more learning new things. At 4 months it was the worse. I say that now that we are at 5 months and on Nexium. It breaks my heart to think as her Mommy I was so very  helpless. Yes, I gave up my life and have lived practically day and night in the rocking chair but that was a very small price to pay for the pain I saw in my daughters face day after day. Now in this very moment, I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. Please don't think everything is all sunny and roses. I still rock her for her morning and afternoon naps, the two of us becoming one in the rocking chair. But.... I see her smiling, I heard her laugh. "They" say most reflux resolves itself around 6 moths when the valve closes and the stomach acid can't flow up any longer. I hope with all hope that this is our case. So, that is the new plan, or not?

And I can't help but wonder if eczema was a sign of the coming reflux? If they go hand in hand?
It is very hard to condense 5 months into one post, but know that each step was tried for 2 to 3 weeks before the doctor would consider moving on to the next step. A very slow process.... 

Our princess at her 5 month old portrait, taken later that it should have been so we could wait for her to feel better. I had no idea how long we would have to wait. I still have concerns, I'm not the type to rush out and put my baby on medicine. Nexium has a load of side effects but for now, the benefits out way the risk. 




A side note: it has been 3 weeks now that Isabelle has been on the Nexium. It did make some of her eczema flare up on her chest and neck. But... we have gone from living in the rocking chair to her putting herself to sleep in her bed. YIPPEE! She has a wedge under her mattress and about 6 pacifiers in there. We put her in the bed and she goes from taking one pacifier out and putting in another over and over until she gets tired, then she puts her hand out and she rubs the furry wall. (that is what we call it) The middle part of her bumper pad is a little soft and fuzzy. She likes to touch it.  <3

~kristen

And an update... Isabelle is 15 months old and we stopped the Nexium this month. The dose was adjusted as she grew. Her enema is still here around her shoulders and the back of her neck so we moisturize daily. 

On this Mother's Day, I'm thinking of you

I'm sitting here on the couch watching tv and I look down at my coffee table and see a bib, noonie, baby brush and a toy Brobee from yo gabba gabba and, I smile. Almost 4 years ago I married my husband and we began our amazing life together. And we started trying to have a baby. Now, I say we started the process of trying to have a baby. I didn't know at that time that it would be a process. We have gone through so much to get here and yet it doesn't feel like we have. Ivf is a blurr, our two miscarriages are a blurr, all the tears and doubt is a blurr. I have my baby. The hardest part about infertility is not knowing the end result. My Isabelle is the baby I was meant to have and I had to go through a process to get her. If I would've known how great the end would be, I wouldn't have worried so much. Through those 3 years of trying, I couldn't be happy. I had a great life but couldn't get the idea of never being able to have a baby out of my mind. But those 3 years we grew so much stronger  and had some great memories as a married couple and now we get to live our life as a family. Infertility isn't fair, it's cruel and can break your heart. But I didn't let it break me, I kept fighting and look where I am now. Thank you God for everything I have been through. Everything has brought me to this moment with this baby, my baby, the one that was meant for me. Last Mother's Day I was pregnant with Isabelle, the Mother's Day before that I was pregnant with the first baby I lost and this Mother's Day I am holding my baby and believe me when I say, its better than I could've ever imagined. 

So for this Mother's Day, I'm thinking of you. I want to take a moment to say I am thinking about every woman out there that is longing to be a mom but hasn't yet had a chance to hold her own child in her arms. Whether it's due to infertility, pregnancy loss, infant loss, or one of many other reasons it doesn't matter. You are all so special and loved.

She is here....

i promise to come and write my birth story soon, i really want to get it down before i forget everything but here is a little snippet of our life. (and a picture of her at the end)

Click on the link below to watch.

http://flipagram.com/f/uSGdsWHQfN

~Mommy Kristen <3

You have my nose!!!

I went for my last ultrasound yesterday, everything checked out great. Good fluid, good growth, you could see her bladder was full, so she is doing everything she is supposed to be doing. My doctor (who is absolutely wonderful) estimated her weight around 5.5 pounds. I will be 34 weeks tomorrow and I am already packing my hospital bag. No, nothing is wrong but this far along you start to hear "the stories". You know the ones... my water broke 4 weeks early, my water broke 5 weeks early. So.... I have started packing my bag and making list. I guess you can say that I have entered the "nesting" stage. Her nursery is almost finished. Just a few items left to pick up. We still need a diaper genie, which is a MUST have on one of my list.

Did I mention that I am a worrier??? I wish I could be one of those people that could say being pregnant was wonderful! It took us 3 years to get here and countless heartache. I was happy to through all the pregnancy symptoms. BRING THEM ON! :-) I finally had a little baby growing inside of me but, after my first IVF and my FET both resulted in miscarriages and the subchorionic hematoma that put me on bed-rest at 8 weeks with this little bean. I have spent most of my pregnancy worrying. Just this little nagging "what if" at the back of my brain. Now, with only 6 weeks left, I only want to have her safe and sound in my arms. I am not sure how you can love someone so much that you have never met but, my heart is so full of love for her. A happy joyous love that if I think about it too long, it makes me cry.

My sweet little Isabelle, you have my nose! <3


~Kristen

The prayers of the heart...

We went for an early gender ultrasound, done at 14 weeks 5 days. I had been studying what the "angle of the dangle" looks like for each gender and had shown my husband numerous videos. As soon as the ultrasound tech had a close up shot I looked at my husband and we both knew.... and then she said it, It is a girl!! During my pregnancy I kept thinking that there was no way I would have a girl. During my infertility process, I would imagine myself in the hospital holding my baby girl. But now looking back, I should've known that it was a girl. I prayed and prayed so hard for a baby; a healthy baby. I wanted to finally be a Mom. But they say that God hears the prayers that we never even pray, the prayers of your heart. I have always dreamed of having a little girl, that is what I pictured in my mind when I saw myself as a Mother. Of course it is a girl, because that is the silent prayer that was never said...the true prayer of my heart <3

Mommy to be ~Kristen

Infertility is worth the fight

The other day I was watching T.V. with my husband and I said, "Sometimes when you're not here and I'm home alone during the day I just cry because I'm so happy"
He said, "You're happy that im not here with you?!"
hahaha that came out wrong...
I am just in awe that I am 14.4 days pregnant. So many times I doubted that i could ever get here. It was a long journey and at times, it felt hopeless... And now here I am :)

 I still have a struggle with letting myself be happy and not worry. Because of my miscarriages, I'm still terrified that this baby will go away too. I have my home doppler that I use at home when I'm feeling nervous and need reassurance and when I put it on my stomach and hear the heartbeat..I am just in awe...there is still a baby in there. I am pregnant. I feel so lucky, everything I had to go through to get here means nothing because I'm here. I have friends that feel like they can't do IVF more than once, or even once because the emotional roller coaster associated with it and the feeling of having hope and then losing it is sometimes too much to bear. I don't know how but I kept going, I always knew that this could happen for me and looking back what if I would've been defeated by everything I had gone through? I wouldn't be here now.  wouldn't have this miracle growing inside me. All the doctor appointments, medications, ultrasounds and injections was just our journey to have our miracle. And because of that journey, we will and do appreciate every moment of this and this baby will be our world. I have appreciation for how much this is truly a gift.

 It is tough... fighting infertility is probably one of the hardest things you will ever have to go through. BUT beating infertility is the most amazing experience of my life.

~blessed Kristen