Reflux and the feeling of failure. The things we did for GERD with a newborn.

Our sweetness has reflux, GERD, (or the evil that makes babies scream) call it what you like. I feel like a Mommy failure. You have all these plans, the baby gets here and you have an idea of what you life will be. (well an inkling of an idea) First my beautiful baby with perfect baby skin developed eczema. Not just a little but everywhere. It was horrible. Finally resolving mostly with nightly baths in Eucerin Aquaphor wash and shampoo, as prescribed by her doctor. Her little skin finally looked better after about a week and a half. At about 8 weeks came the reflux. (step #1.) As a breastfeeding Mommy, I cut everything out of my diet that "they" said could be the culprit. "They" being my Pediatrician and anyone who had a voice or opinion on the internet. Baby still screamed, and let me be specific... not cry, SCREAMED! (step #2.) Stopped breastfeeding and moved her to Alimentum formula. (this made the biggest difference) This was gut wrenching hard but, like a ray of light after the storm... within 12 hours, she smiled. She did well on this for about 3 weeks. (step #3.) Then it got bad, the doctor recommenced adding rice cereal to thicken the formula to keep it down and to keep her upright for 30 minutes after feeding. (step #4.) She also prescribed Zantac. Ok, she was better for a while. And I use the term better very loosely. I spent my days in the rocking chair so she would sleep. Otherwise she would go down and sleep for 30 minutes and then scream and scream, you couldn't get her back to sleep. Screams that a little baby should never have to make. Full out screams! On Mothers Day she ended up in the emergency room. She would no longer eat, just cry. Never ever was this in my plan. (step #5.) ER said Maalox for 4 days and call her doctor to change medicine. (step #6.) The doctor moved her to Prevacid. The Maalox was like a miracle, a miracle that could only last for 4 days. Her throat was so torn up from the acid and the screaming she was hoarse. It completely broke my heart. The Prevacid was horrible, it was like taking a step backward. (step #7.) Moved to Nexium, and again we saw a difference within 12 hours. It has been a week. She is cooing again, she is moving again. During this war with reflux she had stopped doing anything. The cooing sounds stopped, she could roll from back to front and front to back... it stopped. She was just trying to make it through the day, there was no more advancement, no more learning new things. At 4 months it was the worse. I say that now that we are at 5 months and on Nexium. It breaks my heart to think as her Mommy I was so very  helpless. Yes, I gave up my life and have lived practically day and night in the rocking chair but that was a very small price to pay for the pain I saw in my daughters face day after day. Now in this very moment, I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. Please don't think everything is all sunny and roses. I still rock her for her morning and afternoon naps, the two of us becoming one in the rocking chair. But.... I see her smiling, I heard her laugh. "They" say most reflux resolves itself around 6 moths when the valve closes and the stomach acid can't flow up any longer. I hope with all hope that this is our case. So, that is the new plan, or not?

And I can't help but wonder if eczema was a sign of the coming reflux? If they go hand in hand?
It is very hard to condense 5 months into one post, but know that each step was tried for 2 to 3 weeks before the doctor would consider moving on to the next step. A very slow process.... 

Our princess at her 5 month old portrait, taken later that it should have been so we could wait for her to feel better. I had no idea how long we would have to wait. I still have concerns, I'm not the type to rush out and put my baby on medicine. Nexium has a load of side effects but for now, the benefits out way the risk. 




A side note: it has been 3 weeks now that Isabelle has been on the Nexium. It did make some of her eczema flare up on her chest and neck. But... we have gone from living in the rocking chair to her putting herself to sleep in her bed. YIPPEE! She has a wedge under her mattress and about 6 pacifiers in there. We put her in the bed and she goes from taking one pacifier out and putting in another over and over until she gets tired, then she puts her hand out and she rubs the furry wall. (that is what we call it) The middle part of her bumper pad is a little soft and fuzzy. She likes to touch it.  <3

~kristen

And an update... Isabelle is 15 months old and we stopped the Nexium this month. The dose was adjusted as she grew. Her enema is still here around her shoulders and the back of her neck so we moisturize daily. 

On this Mother's Day, I'm thinking of you

I'm sitting here on the couch watching tv and I look down at my coffee table and see a bib, noonie, baby brush and a toy Brobee from yo gabba gabba and, I smile. Almost 4 years ago I married my husband and we began our amazing life together. And we started trying to have a baby. Now, I say we started the process of trying to have a baby. I didn't know at that time that it would be a process. We have gone through so much to get here and yet it doesn't feel like we have. Ivf is a blurr, our two miscarriages are a blurr, all the tears and doubt is a blurr. I have my baby. The hardest part about infertility is not knowing the end result. My Isabelle is the baby I was meant to have and I had to go through a process to get her. If I would've known how great the end would be, I wouldn't have worried so much. Through those 3 years of trying, I couldn't be happy. I had a great life but couldn't get the idea of never being able to have a baby out of my mind. But those 3 years we grew so much stronger  and had some great memories as a married couple and now we get to live our life as a family. Infertility isn't fair, it's cruel and can break your heart. But I didn't let it break me, I kept fighting and look where I am now. Thank you God for everything I have been through. Everything has brought me to this moment with this baby, my baby, the one that was meant for me. Last Mother's Day I was pregnant with Isabelle, the Mother's Day before that I was pregnant with the first baby I lost and this Mother's Day I am holding my baby and believe me when I say, its better than I could've ever imagined. 

So for this Mother's Day, I'm thinking of you. I want to take a moment to say I am thinking about every woman out there that is longing to be a mom but hasn't yet had a chance to hold her own child in her arms. Whether it's due to infertility, pregnancy loss, infant loss, or one of many other reasons it doesn't matter. You are all so special and loved.

There are no words. Yes, infertilty is a hard journey but so worth it.

You wait and wait and wait.... having hope but somewhere inside, you never "really" believe that this will happen. Yes, you go through all the shots, all the doctor appointments, all the heartache, all the hope. But, IF you NEVER try, you will NEVER get there! Is it hard? It is soul crushing hard!

They say that IVF normally works within 3 cycles. I did get pregnant on my first two cycles but I miscarried. The fact that I did get pregnant when nothing else had worked for 3 years was like a weight lifting off my chest. When both of those pregnancies ended in a miscarriage, the weight that came back was almost too much to bear. Looking back, I never smiled, there was no joy, I was just a zombie going through day after day, doing what I was told to do because one day "maybe" it would give me the the child I so desperately wanted. My 3rd cycle also worked, did it have some bumps, you betcha. Lower beta numbers and bleeding in my 1st trimester that put me to bed. (would this be another miscarriage?) I was not the happy smiling pregnant women that you see on TV, I lived my 9 months full of fear and anxiety, waiting for the bad to come. It had to, it always had.

So, if you are reading this... be the zombie, live with the heartache, because in the end, you smile, you laugh, you giggle. One day you realize the huge gaping hole inside of you is gone. The person you were while going through the journey leaves and you do find yourself again. Only now you are sleep deprived and exhausted but.....your heart sings!

Our sweet little Isabelle at 3 months of age.

The love you will feel.... there are no words.



~kristen

She is here....

i promise to come and write my birth story soon, i really want to get it down before i forget everything but here is a little snippet of our life. (and a picture of her at the end)

Click on the link below to watch.

http://flipagram.com/f/uSGdsWHQfN

~Mommy Kristen <3

You have my nose!!!

I went for my last ultrasound yesterday, everything checked out great. Good fluid, good growth, you could see her bladder was full, so she is doing everything she is supposed to be doing. My doctor (who is absolutely wonderful) estimated her weight around 5.5 pounds. I will be 34 weeks tomorrow and I am already packing my hospital bag. No, nothing is wrong but this far along you start to hear "the stories". You know the ones... my water broke 4 weeks early, my water broke 5 weeks early. So.... I have started packing my bag and making list. I guess you can say that I have entered the "nesting" stage. Her nursery is almost finished. Just a few items left to pick up. We still need a diaper genie, which is a MUST have on one of my list.

Did I mention that I am a worrier??? I wish I could be one of those people that could say being pregnant was wonderful! It took us 3 years to get here and countless heartache. I was happy to through all the pregnancy symptoms. BRING THEM ON! :-) I finally had a little baby growing inside of me but, after my first IVF and my FET both resulted in miscarriages and the subchorionic hematoma that put me on bed-rest at 8 weeks with this little bean. I have spent most of my pregnancy worrying. Just this little nagging "what if" at the back of my brain. Now, with only 6 weeks left, I only want to have her safe and sound in my arms. I am not sure how you can love someone so much that you have never met but, my heart is so full of love for her. A happy joyous love that if I think about it too long, it makes me cry.

My sweet little Isabelle, you have my nose! <3


~Kristen

Infertility is worth the fight

The other day I was watching T.V. with my husband and I said, "Sometimes when you're not here and I'm home alone during the day I just cry because I'm so happy"
He said, "You're happy that im not here with you?!"
hahaha that came out wrong...
I am just in awe that I am 14.4 days pregnant. So many times I doubted that i could ever get here. It was a long journey and at times, it felt hopeless... And now here I am :)

 I still have a struggle with letting myself be happy and not worry. Because of my miscarriages, I'm still terrified that this baby will go away too. I have my home doppler that I use at home when I'm feeling nervous and need reassurance and when I put it on my stomach and hear the heartbeat..I am just in awe...there is still a baby in there. I am pregnant. I feel so lucky, everything I had to go through to get here means nothing because I'm here. I have friends that feel like they can't do IVF more than once, or even once because the emotional roller coaster associated with it and the feeling of having hope and then losing it is sometimes too much to bear. I don't know how but I kept going, I always knew that this could happen for me and looking back what if I would've been defeated by everything I had gone through? I wouldn't be here now.  wouldn't have this miracle growing inside me. All the doctor appointments, medications, ultrasounds and injections was just our journey to have our miracle. And because of that journey, we will and do appreciate every moment of this and this baby will be our world. I have appreciation for how much this is truly a gift.

 It is tough... fighting infertility is probably one of the hardest things you will ever have to go through. BUT beating infertility is the most amazing experience of my life.

~blessed Kristen

IVF, SCH update

Ultrasound 11 weeks 5 days, heartbeat 165
 Subchorionic hematoma - changed to just a sliver, way below the baby.
 EVERYTHING IS GOOD!!!!

Here is our official facebook announcement.

~Kristen

IVF, ultrasound to check on subchorionic hematoma

Heatbeat of 174, baby measuring 9 weeks 3 days. <3
subchorionic hematomas, are the same size.

I have had no bleeding, spotting or cramping during the last week and a half of bed rest. My doctor moved me to modified bed rest. The truth being, it is best to rest and not overdue things but what will happen, will happen. I am going to be optimistic!! I have overcome so many bumps in the road to get this far. Most hematomas reabsorb by 20 weeks, no reason to believe that it will not happen to me. Since I am a teacher: I have the summer off to take it easy. Perfect timing! I have left worry and anxiety behind. (yes, they come over and visit but, I don't let them stay) I am 10 weeks pregnant tomorrow. It has taken 3 years to get here, my beautiful little bean is growing in his/her Mommy's tummy. And we are in joyous love with him/her.

May I introduce.... him/her.

Medicine update: I stopped my estrogen and prolactin med at 9.5 weeks.


Mommy to be ~Kristen

IVF, I have a BFP!!

I tested 4dp5dt and got a faint positive, today is 8dp5dt and it is no longer faint!

I guess I am pregnant!! Tomorrow is my first Beta and also marks my pregnancy reaching 4 weeks!! I am ready to hear my beta number and then see it double, this cycle is all about the small victories until we can celebrate the big victory...the heartbeat!! I have tested everyday since 3dp5dt, I like to see the line get darker, so I know my HCG is increasing!!

P.S. My sock exchange buddy told me today that she also got a BFP!!
Today is a good day :)

~Kristen

The woes of two pink lines

Ok now that I have a positive, I am kinda freaking out. But I have to remember, just because I have had two miscarriages in the past year does not mean that mine will end that way again. I have to not let FEAR get a hold on me..

 The next step is testing again to see the line get darker and then my first beta on Friday. I have to celebrate the little wins. This is a WIN! And the line was so early, that means the HCG is strong..that is good. I have the right to enjoy every step of my IVF journey and celebrate every victory.

I need to remember that women have miscarriages and then have a live birth all of the time. This could be my time. Everything I want could be waiting for me
...and I'm ready

~Kristen

Do you see what I see?

IVF women have different views about peeing on a stick. Some prefer to wait and poas the morning of their beta test, others enjoy testing everyday and hopefully seeing the line get darker and darker...I'm one of those. Please see my 4dp5dt test below:

It is quite the SQUINTER of a line. But guess what... any line counts!!!!

Wait, am I pregnant??????!!

IVF, Bruises, Hormones, Hives and Tears

This is my second round of IVF and I didn't realize how spoiled I was with the first one because this one is rough on my body! I have been getting side effects from the lupron including fatigue, headaches and hives. The hives are terrible, they swell up for about 3 days so I have to give a shot on top of the hives because we have to rotate sides each night. You can also see the shot marks all over my now swollen stomach...I look like a pin cushion! But we all know, the physical part of this is the easiest, it is the emotional that gets us. My hormones have also been crazy!! This morning my husband said, "babe why are you about to cry?"... I just said, "I don't know...why not?!" Waaaa!!! HAHAHA. This is quite a journey ladies. So remind your husband that your hormones are crazy and remind yourself that your hormones are crazy. But this too will pass... so just focus on your next appointment and being able to see all your follicles growing strong and know that is is okay to cry and to be scared but also be hopeful and have faith. My Mom always says that we need to focus on the small victories during this process to get us through. So I will celebrate my 21 growing follicles and my great estrogen level and just be thankful that I have the opportunity to do invitro because not everyone does.

~Kristen

IVF, time for Stimming!

We had our "Stim Start" last Monday. This means that we are now having 3 shots a night: Lupron, Follistim and Menopur. The follistim and the Menopur is what makes the follicles grow and makes our eggs. At my clinic when you start stimming, you go to the doctor every 3 days the first week. You get bloodwork and ultrasound done to check your estrogen levels and that you have follicles growing, depending on these results your dose can be lowered, increased or can remain the same.

I went to my RE on Wednesday and already had 21 follicles!!! :) Yay! Please remember that your follicles have to mature to a certain number to be viable so just because you have 21 follicles does not mean you will have 21 eggs to fertilize. My estrogen number needed to be between 200 and 400 and mine was 311 so my medication dose remained the same and my nurse said that I was responding beautifully to my meds.

I have to say, going to the doctor really helps. It shows you that you have follicles and reminds you why you are doing all of this. We are making a baby... So try to forget about your swelling stomach and how crazy these hormones are making you and say...we are making a baby :)

Here is a Video of my husband mixing the 3 medications:

Mixing Lupron, Follistim and Menopur 

 

And one day, I hope to look like this!! 

 

 

~Kristen

IVF, Infertility Sucks!

-You have been betrayed by your own body
-I feel broken inside
-It changes you
-You plan, you fail, you plan again, you fail 
-Fear of the "what if", what if it never happens
-Seeing a newborn now causes you pain
-Every month, you die a little inside
-My life is medication, appointments and shots
-You cry tears of broken dreams
-You pray 
-You WAIT, you wait to start meds, you wait to see if the follicles are growing, you wait to see how many eggs they retrieved, you wait to see if they fertilized, you wait to see if they are growing and dividing normally, you wait for the transfer day, you wait to see if it worked this time, you wait to see if you miscarry again...

Then you take a deep breath, hold your head up high
And try to be strong yet again

But, when my life feels beyond hard, I hold the hand of the person that loves me most
And I am thankful



~Kristen

My IVF "sock exchange" package

On Egg Retrieval day, we are so hyped up on hormones and just a wee bit emotional. LOL!! It is such a stressful day... will we have enough eggs, will they be mature, will they fertilize, will they continue to grow? While putting on your hospital gown, you are a ball of nerves. Praying that you did everything right and praying that this is the the next step to finally having your dream come true. Since the only thing we can control that day is what to wear on our feet, my online IVF group decided to do a "sock exchange" this is the package I received today from my new friend :)

 

I feel so very blessed! Thank you Crystal, you made my day! 

Check out my video below:

I got mail!!! :)

On a side note, "they" whoever "they" are have said, keeping your feet warm may help with implantation. Trust me... we listen to everything "they" say!! Because we will do anything in our power to help our dream come true!

~Kristen

IVF, Believe in Miracles

The moment you're ready to quit is usually the moment right before the miracle happens. 

Working on my miracle...

Don't give up!

~ hopeful Kristen

Lupron Day Start; IVF Cycle 2

Today I had my first ultrasound and lab appointment for our 3rd try at IVF. If you are new here, here is a quick breakdown of our baby journey so far... (multiple failed clomid cycles, 3 failed IUIs, a fresh IVF cycle that ended in a MC at 8 weeks and a FET cycle that ended in a miscarriage at 4 weeks.) Everything is ready to start again, today is Lupron Day 1! I am going to try and document this cycle more because I have to do things differently. So this cycle I am trying everything :) I am also going to really try to eat better and exercise. Diet can effect fertility, I am staying away from overly processed food and focusing more on a low carb/low sugar diet. Not to mention Water, Water, Water and more Water!!! Also exercise will get my blood flowing which will hopefully help my uterine lining to grow nice and thick. I will also start my baby aspirin today. I have already been taking prenatals with DHEA, folic acid, Vitamin D and CoQ 10. 

Check out my videos below 

I'm filming it on my phone so the quality is not the best but it gets the point across ;)

Preparing lupron

Lupron injection 1

After everything we have been through, it does feel like the world is shouting "no".
But today we start over again!! For a dream, a whisper, a tug at our hearts.
Wishing everyone a little........ HOPE! <3


~Kristen

Tips to help you get pregnant!

Are you trying to get pregnant? Here are some tips I have learned along the way.

Take a baby aspirin everyday. It is supposed to help your lining thicken up and the baby stick. Reasons to use Baby Aspirin if you are trying to conceive.

Eat a pineapple core during the 5 after ovulation. Cut it into 5 pieces and eat a piece everyday. Pineapple core for implantation.

Have your Prolactin levels checked? Everything we went through.. this was not done until I hit the RE. My levels were too high and that could have been one of my problems all along. Prolactin levels and Infertility
Prolactin doesn't just cause your body to increase milk production - it also affects your ovulation and menstrual cycles. (This is why women who are breastfeeding rarely get pregnant). Prolactin inhibit two hormones necessary for ovulation: follicle stimulating hormone (FSH) and gonadotropin releasing hormone (GnRH). When you have high levels of prolactin in your blood (a condition called hyperprolactinemia), you will not ovulate and this will result in infertility. This anovulation can also cause you to have irregular cycles.


Take at least 1000 mg of Vitamin D3 everyday!!!! Sometimes this is all you need!
"Having enough vitamin D circulating through your system can increase your chances of fertility whether you’re struggling with poly cystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS), lack of ovulation or general fertility problems. This “hormone” also plays a role in male reproduction. Both sperm motility and production are increased when levels of vitamin D are normal. SO get your men tested too- as we all know it takes two to tango (so to speak)." Vitamin D

They also have Fertility Vitamins! I have a friend that could not conceive  even after injectables and multiple IUI's, after being on only the vitamins for 2 months she is expecting.<3 (i think she took both)
Fertility Blend or Fertility Plus or FertilAid

Start taking your prenatal vitamins now.

Hope this was useful. :)
~Kristen