There are no words. Yes, infertilty is a hard journey but so worth it.

You wait and wait and wait.... having hope but somewhere inside, you never "really" believe that this will happen. Yes, you go through all the shots, all the doctor appointments, all the heartache, all the hope. But, IF you NEVER try, you will NEVER get there! Is it hard? It is soul crushing hard!

They say that IVF normally works within 3 cycles. I did get pregnant on my first two cycles but I miscarried. The fact that I did get pregnant when nothing else had worked for 3 years was like a weight lifting off my chest. When both of those pregnancies ended in a miscarriage, the weight that came back was almost too much to bear. Looking back, I never smiled, there was no joy, I was just a zombie going through day after day, doing what I was told to do because one day "maybe" it would give me the the child I so desperately wanted. My 3rd cycle also worked, did it have some bumps, you betcha. Lower beta numbers and bleeding in my 1st trimester that put me to bed. (would this be another miscarriage?) I was not the happy smiling pregnant women that you see on TV, I lived my 9 months full of fear and anxiety, waiting for the bad to come. It had to, it always had.

So, if you are reading this... be the zombie, live with the heartache, because in the end, you smile, you laugh, you giggle. One day you realize the huge gaping hole inside of you is gone. The person you were while going through the journey leaves and you do find yourself again. Only now you are sleep deprived and exhausted but.....your heart sings!

Our sweet little Isabelle at 3 months of age.

The love you will feel.... there are no words.



~kristen

She is here....

i promise to come and write my birth story soon, i really want to get it down before i forget everything but here is a little snippet of our life. (and a picture of her at the end)

Click on the link below to watch.

http://flipagram.com/f/uSGdsWHQfN

~Mommy Kristen <3

38 weeks!!!

38 weeks!!  I am excited, nervous and freaking out a little.
Dilated 1cm and 50% effaced.

Here are a few of our maternity pictures....







ready to get this show on the road!!
~kristen

You have my nose!!!

I went for my last ultrasound yesterday, everything checked out great. Good fluid, good growth, you could see her bladder was full, so she is doing everything she is supposed to be doing. My doctor (who is absolutely wonderful) estimated her weight around 5.5 pounds. I will be 34 weeks tomorrow and I am already packing my hospital bag. No, nothing is wrong but this far along you start to hear "the stories". You know the ones... my water broke 4 weeks early, my water broke 5 weeks early. So.... I have started packing my bag and making list. I guess you can say that I have entered the "nesting" stage. Her nursery is almost finished. Just a few items left to pick up. We still need a diaper genie, which is a MUST have on one of my list.

Did I mention that I am a worrier??? I wish I could be one of those people that could say being pregnant was wonderful! It took us 3 years to get here and countless heartache. I was happy to through all the pregnancy symptoms. BRING THEM ON! :-) I finally had a little baby growing inside of me but, after my first IVF and my FET both resulted in miscarriages and the subchorionic hematoma that put me on bed-rest at 8 weeks with this little bean. I have spent most of my pregnancy worrying. Just this little nagging "what if" at the back of my brain. Now, with only 6 weeks left, I only want to have her safe and sound in my arms. I am not sure how you can love someone so much that you have never met but, my heart is so full of love for her. A happy joyous love that if I think about it too long, it makes me cry.

My sweet little Isabelle, you have my nose! <3


~Kristen

Things are counting down. Hard to believe that we are really here! We just had our baby shower, wanted to share a couple of shots of what I look like. Today I am 33 weeks and 3 day. I have my last ultrasound tomorrow morning. Last check to make sure everything looks ok with our sweet little girl.

Hubby and I.



Here is one of me peeking around the fence. :-)




And we have decided to name her Isabelle.


So... if you are out there on your own journey, DON'T GIVE UP!!
Yes, it is hard and frustrating and will break you in an instant. But if you are strong, the majority of women will be pregnant by their 3rd cycle. And you tend to forget most of it and start to feel like a regular ole pregnant person.

~happy Mommy to be, Kristen

Happiness

Whoooooooo Hooooooooo!!!

IVF... quick update, time for egg retrieval!!

My E2 (Estrogen) level was 5000 Wed. April 10th.
Trigger shot that night at 10:15 pm.
Egg retrieval was Sun. morning 8:15 am. 11 eggs retrieved.
Embryo report Sat. the 13th, 7 mature eggs, 6 fertilized.
Sunday morning report... all 6 look good and on track.

I have had some pain and bloating of course but nothing too awful. Drinking lots and lots of water!!

I wanted a 3 day transfer. Which would put us doing a transfer on Monday. But after speaking with my doctor and directly with the embryologist, looks like our best bet is with a 5 day transfer. This process has worked for us both times; IFV and FET but then I also had a miscarriages both times. I am so worried about having something left to freeze. I have doomed myself before I have even begin. I need to let that go... Of course, it will be, what it will be. I need to take a more positive approach. All of my test have come back normal. NORMAL! (more for my brain, than your info) My doctor assures me that IVF will work for me!

So, now I wait some more... they call every morning with an embryo update. I am taking my steroids, antibiotics, prolactin pills, estrace, baby aspirin, prenatals, extra folic acid and eating a little pineapple core for 5 days.  And I am praying. This needs to work, this has to work!! Please, oh please.... let this work!

If you read this and have a spare moment, send good vibes my way.
Love to everyone going through this extremely stressful way to make a family.
Stay calm and believe!!
 


~waiting on transfer.... Kristen

Third time is the charm..right guys?!

Hello all, long time no write

It is that time again... Invitro time. This will be my second IVF cycle and my third cycle in all, including a frozen cycle. Last year in April I did my first IVF cycle and now in April this year, I will be doing my second IVF cycle.

I went in today and talked to my RE; my protocol for IVF #2 will change in the doses of medicine (since last time I made 27 eggs and was extremely overstimulated) and this time, they will be performing assistant hatching on my embryos. I looked up assistant hatching today online but this is how my RE explained it. My embryos are implanting and I am getting pregnant, I am just not staying pregnant. Assisted hatching will remove the outer layer of the embryo to hopefully help it implant better which will hopefully make it stick. I asked my RE if he could squirt some super glue in there before the embryo transfer but he didnt think that was a good idea ;)

I start my follistim on March 25th and stimming on April 1st

I feel surprisingly optimistic since nothing has ever been found to cause our infertility and I am getting pregnant but miscarrying; I just feel like it is a numbers game at this point. It is just how many times will it take before it works and sticks?? Sooner or later it will stay... so now we just hope that is it sooner and not later

Will will beat the dreaded "Infertility Monster"!

~Kristen

IVF, Miscarriage #2

I started spotting on Thursday and it felt like my world was ending. My beta numbers had been so high that I thought maybe I was having two. Which gave us twice the chance to end up with one baby. We went for an ultrasound on Monday and it showed that there was still a baby in there, we did another beta and the number had dropped. I stopped all my progesterone and estrogen and had a natural miscarriage at home. And now I am trying to just survive every day and not feel like all hope is lost. With my first miscarriage, I could make excuses on why it didn't work and still be hopeful to try again but after the second one...I am pretty terrified that it will never work. The feeling is overwhelming, it is effecting every aspect of my life. I am sad, very very sad. I feel like I'm hitting rock bottom, which is hard for me because I am such a positive person. And now, I just want this to be over. I was so motivated to do whatever it took for us to have our baby and now I am just ready to stop obsessing about this everyday. I can't imagine how it would feel to have a month that isn't disappointing. For the past 2 1/2 years, I have had hope and got let down every single month. It is truly emotionally exhausting. In my state, you cannot adopt locally until you've been married for 3 years, you can only do an overseas adoption. I never thought I would feel like this, I thought I would fight to the end and never give up but I just want a baby, a baby to love and give my everything to, i am just so ready. I am just feeling lost and sad and terrified that we will do invitro again and get the same devastating result. I have an appointment with my RE on December 19 to discuss our next step, which we have decided to spend another $14, 000 and do invitro again. I just can't imagine if I end up having another miscarriage, or how I am suppose to survive if this happens again...but I can't give up yet on having my own baby... I won't give up yet. The only thing to do when you have reached rock bottom, is to pick yourself up. I am ready to pick myself up...

~Kristen

That's the thing about the day before your life changes forever...it feels like any other day

I had two frozen embryos left from my IVF procedure in May. The process of a frozen embryo transfer is so much more relaxed than invitro. There is not a process of making the eggs so no shots are needed which means no overstimulation. I had to take estrogen pills for two weeks then progesterone for 4 days before the transfer then steroids for four days after and estrogen and progesterone for the next ten days until the blood pregnancy test.  My frozen embryo transfer was last Wednesday on the 17th (which was the 3 year anniversary of our engagement..good juju right?!) My blood pregnancy test is scheduled for October 27th, which is 10 days past transfer. After a miscarriage in July, we really want this to work or should I say.. We really need this to work. My sanity needs this to work.  I of course, googled FET and found very high success rates and also that taking progesterone before the transfer makes the uterine lining sticky and ready for implantation. Google very seldom makes you feel better but i tried to only find accurate and successful information to keep my spirits up.  I felt confident but having infertility makes you feel like getting pregnant is nearly impossible so you say you are trying to be positive but its pretty difficult. Along with my other medications I have also been taking baby aspirin, prenatal vitamins and vitamin D all month. My transfer was on the Wednesday, I stayed in the bed Wednesday and Thursday and sat on the couch doing work Friday. Now comes the big question.. when to do my home pregnancy test? If you do it too early and its negative, its tough to mentally understand that it could still be too early. After IVF last time I tested 11dp5dt and it was positive and I kept thinking that if I would've  tested sooner than i could've known sooner! So now its been 5dp5dt and I'm still trying to stay positive..to just think positive, the mind is a powerful thing. And one minute I feel like this has to work, this is the plan..and then the next minute I am terrified that I will never have my own children. I feel like I could have some pregnancy symptoms: breast tenderness, sore lower back, smelling everything and even throwing up from a smell today. But as infertility women know, again, the mind is a powerful thing and I never trust my symptoms because so many times in the past it has been nothing. And so now I wait, I wait and wonder...will one day this week be the last day before my life changes forever? because today feels like any other day..

IVF, Miscarriage is a four letter word

I had an appointment with my regular obgyn on Tuesday. We weren't sure how far along I was so they said they would do an ultrasound so they could start my pregnancy file and give me a due date. I was so excited to be at my normal obgyn, i finally got here, i finally felt like just a normal pregnancy patient and not a infertility patient.  My mom was with me and we couldn't wait to be able to get an ultrasound. We talked about how we wanted them to do one for a week before the appointment. She didn't get to see the baby yet and I really wanted to hear the heartbeat to finally get a little relief. I had no idea that this ultrasound would change everything. No heartbeat. I should have been measuring 8weeks3days but I was only measuring 6weeks2days. My baby stopped growing, i had a miscarriage.

I chose to have a d and c. I couldn't imagine having to bleed my baby out in the toilet and the thought of our baby falling into the toilet was more than my husband could bear. I had my d and c this morning. It is impossible to describe the feeling of losing a pregnancy. One minute i was about to see my baby's heartbeat on the ultrasound and watch all my dreams really be true and the next minute...it is all over. I have no baby. I had been walking around for 2 weeks with no baby. I thought of all the times we laughed and talked to the baby in my belly, how we fought over names and the sex we wanted. And my favorite thing was my husband kissing my belly when we were laying together or when he would leave the house for work. It was finally real, we would be a family. All of a sudden, i am not pregnant. I think the hardest thing was seeing my husband so devastated, i feel like my body let him down, I feet like I let him down. We were finally letting ourselves be excited and i couldn't stop imagining how beautiful our baby would be. I couldn't wait to see what our combined genes would create. But now it is just gone.

We are getting through this together and will not let any tragedy, no matter how devastating, tear us apart. We will get through this together. And we will not give up. Atleast i know now that i can get pregnant, we will not stop until our miracle baby comes through. To anyone that has had a miscarriage, i'm so sorry. It is hard to believe that all this pain is part of God's plan but we will not lose faith and neither should you. Don't give up ladies, we will do everything we can to control our own destiny and make our dreams come true. We will be Moms and create the family we deserve. Believe in miracles <3

IVF, Am I pregnant?

I decided that i had to try and go to work, only to throw up  numerous times before I left home and twice when I got there, I had to sit with the trash can next to me. Finally, I had to give up and come home. Well at the time, I didn't know it was the OHSS symptoms, the fluid is pressing on all of my organs which was causing me to keep having to throw up. So when I got home, I gave in and peed on a stick, I thought maybe this could be morning sickness? Before i took the test I kept telling myself..its still too early..its still too early...don't be disappointed.  It was instant, there were two pink lines! It was Positive! I just kept saying "I never had two lines before, i never had two lines before". Me, my mom and sister were crying and i kept repeating, "its two, i've never seen two lines before". I said "I have to tell Dustin". We all piled into the car and drove so I could show Dustin while he was at work, I called him to come outside and tried to act normal...then i showed him the test :) My sister video taped the whole thing.

Retrieval week sickness :(

I had my IVF egg retrieval on Monday and i didn't feel that terrible after. I had some severe cramping but that was about it. I was taking Tylenol every 4 hours and using my heating pad around the clock. On Wednesday, I started to go down hill fast. From Wednesday to Saturday i felt like i was dying. I was cramping, throwing up, extremely weak, dizzy and wanted to cry. I couldn't keep anything down but then again was weak from the lack of food and water..it was an endless cycle. My husband was very worried and kept telling me to call the doctor saying, "this can't be normal". And yes, i was also thinking that this could not be normal but I was afraid that if they knew how sick I was that they wouldn't do my transfer and everything would be wasted...no fresh embryo cycle..just a frozen cycle in a few months. That idea was an even worse feeling then my sickness. I called my RE on Thursday and they called me in some prescription nausea medicine that they prescribe to chemo patients. They wanted me to call back the next day and update them before my transfer because they wouldn't want to do the transfer if i was throwing up since i wasn't suppose to be straining after. My RE's office closes at noon on Fridays. I called at 10:30 and was pleased to say that i had not thrown up again since yesterday, my transfer appointment was set for 8:15 the next morning...this was going to happen. I wish i felt good enough to enjoy that feeling, that afternoon i started throwing up again...now i just prayed that i would feel better for my transfer day tomorrow, the moment i had been waiting for all this time.

27 Eggs!!!

My IVF journey continues.. 
I had my egg retrieval yesterday morning and let me just say that i was terrified!! I never had an i.v. or anesthesia before and i was not sure what to expect. And of course, it wasn't bad at all. The nurse was amazing and the i.v. went in great then we sat and waited for our turn in the surgical room. I remembered being wheeled into the surgical room and walking to a table and putting my feet in the stirrups, then the anesthesiologist said he would give me something to feel relaxed but not to fall asleep yet and i don't remember one thing after that until i woke up back in my room. The procedure took about 25 minutes to complete.  My husband said that i was already in my room for about 20 minutes but i don't remember any of that time. He said that with all those drugs i seemed wasted and that it was hilarious. He said that i asked how many eggs we got and he said 27. And then i said, "27 holy shit, that's a lot. Give me five mouther fucka". Yeah..i do not usually talk like that and this was with the Dr and Nurses still in there. (had to be the drugs)  Haha. At least we have something to laugh about, we always have something to laugh about :) We have been working for this moment for over a month, the egg retrieval, and i had 27 eggs....hell yeah!!!!!!