Showing posts with label IVF. Show all posts
Showing posts with label IVF. Show all posts

Thursday, June 12, 2014

Reflux and the feeling of failure. The things we did for GERD with a newborn.

Our sweetness has reflux, GERD, (or the evil that makes babies scream) call it what you like. I feel like a Mommy failure. You have all these plans, the baby gets here and you have an idea of what you life will be. (well an inkling of an idea) First my beautiful baby with perfect baby skin developed eczema. Not just a little but everywhere. It was horrible. Finally resolving mostly with nightly baths in Eucerin Aquaphor wash and shampoo, as prescribed by her doctor. Her little skin finally looked better after about a week and a half. At about 8 weeks came the reflux. (step #1.) As a breastfeeding Mommy, I cut everything out of my diet that "they" said could be the culprit. "They" being my Pediatrician and anyone who had a voice or opinion on the internet. Baby still screamed, and let me be specific... not cry, SCREAMED! (step #2.) Stopped breastfeeding and moved her to Alimentum formula. (this made the biggest difference) This was gut wrenching hard but, like a ray of light after the storm... within 12 hours, she smiled. She did well on this for about 3 weeks. (step #3.) Then it got bad, the doctor recommenced adding rice cereal to thicken the formula to keep it down and to keep her upright for 30 minutes after feeding. (step #4.) She also prescribed Zantac. Ok, she was better for a while. And I use the term better very loosely. I spent my days in the rocking chair so she would sleep. Otherwise she would go down and sleep for 30 minutes and then scream and scream, you couldn't get her back to sleep. Screams that a little baby should never have to make. Full out screams! On Mothers Day she ended up in the emergency room. She would no longer eat, just cry. Never ever was this in my plan. (step #5.) ER said Maalox for 4 days and call her doctor to change medicine. (step #6.) The doctor moved her to Prevacid. The Maalox was like a miracle, a miracle that could only last for 4 days. Her throat was so torn up from the acid and the screaming she was hoarse. It completely broke my heart. The Prevacid was horrible, it was like taking a step backward. (step #7.) Moved to Nexium, and again we saw a difference within 12 hours. It has been a week. She is cooing again, she is moving again. During this war with reflux she had stopped doing anything. The cooing sounds stopped, she could roll from back to front and front to back... it stopped. She was just trying to make it through the day, there was no more advancement, no more learning new things. At 4 months it was the worse. I say that now that we are at 5 months and on Nexium. It breaks my heart to think as her Mommy I was so very  helpless. Yes, I gave up my life and have lived practically day and night in the rocking chair but that was a very small price to pay for the pain I saw in my daughters face day after day. Now in this very moment, I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. Please don't think everything is all sunny and roses. I still rock her for her morning and afternoon naps, the two of us becoming one in the rocking chair. But.... I see her smiling, I heard her laugh. "They" say most reflux resolves itself around 6 moths when the valve closes and the stomach acid can't flow up any longer. I hope with all hope that this is our case. So, that is the new plan, or not?

And I can't help but wonder if eczema was a sign of the coming reflux? If they go hand in hand?
It is very hard to condense 5 months into one post, but know that each step was tried for 2 to 3 weeks before the doctor would consider moving on to the next step. A very slow process.... 

Our princess at her 5 month old portrait, taken later that it should have been so we could wait for her to feel better. I had no idea how long we would have to wait. I still have concerns, I'm not the type to rush out and put my baby on medicine. Nexium has a load of side effects but for now, the benefits out way the risk. 




A side note: it has been 3 weeks now that Isabelle has been on the Nexium. It did make some of her eczema flare up on her chest and neck. But... we have gone from living in the rocking chair to her putting herself to sleep in her bed. YIPPEE! She has a wedge under her mattress and about 6 pacifiers in there. We put her in the bed and she goes from taking one pacifier out and putting in another over and over until she gets tired, then she puts her hand out and she rubs the furry wall. (that is what we call it) The middle part of her bumper pad is a little soft and fuzzy. She likes to touch it.  <3

~kristen

And an update... Isabelle is 15 months old and we stopped the Nexium this month. The dose was adjusted as she grew. Her enema is still here around her shoulders and the back of her neck so we moisturize daily. 

Sunday, May 11, 2014

On this Mother's Day, I'm thinking of you

I'm sitting here on the couch watching tv and I look down at my coffee table and see a bib, noonie, baby brush and a toy Brobee from yo gabba gabba and, I smile. Almost 4 years ago I married my husband and we began our amazing life together. And we started trying to have a baby. Now, I say we started the process of trying to have a baby. I didn't know at that time that it would be a process. We have gone through so much to get here and yet it doesn't feel like we have. Ivf is a blurr, our two miscarriages are a blurr, all the tears and doubt is a blurr. I have my baby. The hardest part about infertility is not knowing the end result. My Isabelle is the baby I was meant to have and I had to go through a process to get her. If I would've known how great the end would be, I wouldn't have worried so much. Through those 3 years of trying, I couldn't be happy. I had a great life but couldn't get the idea of never being able to have a baby out of my mind. But those 3 years we grew so much stronger  and had some great memories as a married couple and now we get to live our life as a family. Infertility isn't fair, it's cruel and can break your heart. But I didn't let it break me, I kept fighting and look where I am now. Thank you God for everything I have been through. Everything has brought me to this moment with this baby, my baby, the one that was meant for me. Last Mother's Day I was pregnant with Isabelle, the Mother's Day before that I was pregnant with the first baby I lost and this Mother's Day I am holding my baby and believe me when I say, its better than I could've ever imagined. 

So for this Mother's Day, I'm thinking of you. I want to take a moment to say I am thinking about every woman out there that is longing to be a mom but hasn't yet had a chance to hold her own child in her arms. Whether it's due to infertility, pregnancy loss, infant loss, or one of many other reasons it doesn't matter. You are all so special and loved.

Saturday, April 26, 2014

There are no words. Yes, infertilty is a hard journey but so worth it.

You wait and wait and wait.... having hope but somewhere inside, you never "really" believe that this will happen. Yes, you go through all the shots, all the doctor appointments, all the heartache, all the hope. But, IF you NEVER try, you will NEVER get there! Is it hard? It is soul crushing hard!

They say that IVF normally works within 3 cycles. I did get pregnant on my first two cycles but I miscarried. The fact that I did get pregnant when nothing else had worked for 3 years was like a weight lifting off my chest. When both of those pregnancies ended in a miscarriage, the weight that came back was almost too much to bear. Looking back, I never smiled, there was no joy, I was just a zombie going through day after day, doing what I was told to do because one day "maybe" it would give me the the child I so desperately wanted. My 3rd cycle also worked, did it have some bumps, you betcha. Lower beta numbers and bleeding in my 1st trimester that put me to bed. (would this be another miscarriage?) I was not the happy smiling pregnant women that you see on TV, I lived my 9 months full of fear and anxiety, waiting for the bad to come. It had to, it always had.

So, if you are reading this... be the zombie, live with the heartache, because in the end, you smile, you laugh, you giggle. One day you realize the huge gaping hole inside of you is gone. The person you were while going through the journey leaves and you do find yourself again. Only now you are sleep deprived and exhausted but.....your heart sings!

Our sweet little Isabelle at 3 months of age.

The love you will feel.... there are no words.



~kristen

Thursday, December 19, 2013

38 weeks!!!

38 weeks!!  I am excited, nervous and freaking out a little.
Dilated 1cm and 50% effaced.

Here are a few of our maternity pictures....







ready to get this show on the road!!
~kristen

Friday, November 22, 2013

You have my nose!!!

I went for my last ultrasound yesterday, everything checked out great. Good fluid, good growth, you could see her bladder was full, so she is doing everything she is supposed to be doing. My doctor (who is absolutely wonderful) estimated her weight around 5.5 pounds. I will be 34 weeks tomorrow and I am already packing my hospital bag. No, nothing is wrong but this far along you start to hear "the stories". You know the ones... my water broke 4 weeks early, my water broke 5 weeks early. So.... I have started packing my bag and making list. I guess you can say that I have entered the "nesting" stage. Her nursery is almost finished. Just a few items left to pick up. We still need a diaper genie, which is a MUST have on one of my list.

Did I mention that I am a worrier??? I wish I could be one of those people that could say being pregnant was wonderful! It took us 3 years to get here and countless heartache. I was happy to through all the pregnancy symptoms. BRING THEM ON! :-) I finally had a little baby growing inside of me but, after my first IVF and my FET both resulted in miscarriages and the subchorionic hematoma that put me on bed-rest at 8 weeks with this little bean. I have spent most of my pregnancy worrying. Just this little nagging "what if" at the back of my brain. Now, with only 6 weeks left, I only want to have her safe and sound in my arms. I am not sure how you can love someone so much that you have never met but, my heart is so full of love for her. A happy joyous love that if I think about it too long, it makes me cry.

My sweet little Isabelle, you have my nose! <3


~Kristen

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Things are counting down. Hard to believe that we are really here! We just had our baby shower, wanted to share a couple of shots of what I look like. Today I am 33 weeks and 3 day. I have my last ultrasound tomorrow morning. Last check to make sure everything looks ok with our sweet little girl.

Hubby and I.



Here is one of me peeking around the fence. :-)




And we have decided to name her Isabelle.


So... if you are out there on your own journey, DON'T GIVE UP!!
Yes, it is hard and frustrating and will break you in an instant. But if you are strong, the majority of women will be pregnant by their 3rd cycle. And you tend to forget most of it and start to feel like a regular ole pregnant person.

~happy Mommy to be, Kristen

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

The prayers of the heart...

We went for an early gender ultrasound, done at 14 weeks 5 days. I had been studying what the "angle of the dangle" looks like for each gender and had shown my husband numerous videos. As soon as the ultrasound tech had a close up shot I looked at my husband and we both knew.... and then she said it, It is a girl!! During my pregnancy I kept thinking that there was no way I would have a girl. During my infertility process, I would imagine myself in the hospital holding my baby girl. But now looking back, I should've known that it was a girl. I prayed and prayed so hard for a baby; a healthy baby. I wanted to finally be a Mom. But they say that God hears the prayers that we never even pray, the prayers of your heart. I have always dreamed of having a little girl, that is what I pictured in my mind when I saw myself as a Mother. Of course it is a girl, because that is the silent prayer that was never said...the true prayer of my heart <3


Mommy to be ~Kristen

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Infertility is worth the fight

The other day I was watching T.V. with my husband and I said, "Sometimes when you're not here and I'm home alone during the day I just cry because I'm so happy"
He said, "You're happy that im not here with you?!"
hahaha that came out wrong...
I am just in awe that I am 14.4 days pregnant. So many times I doubted that i could ever get here. It was a long journey and at times, it felt hopeless... And now here I am :)

 I still have a struggle with letting myself be happy and not worry. Because of my miscarriages, I'm still terrified that this baby will go away too. I have my home doppler that I use at home when I'm feeling nervous and need reassurance and when I put it on my stomach and hear the heartbeat..I am just in awe...there is still a baby in there. I am pregnant. I feel so lucky, everything I had to go through to get here means nothing because I'm here. I have friends that feel like they can't do IVF more than once, or even once because the emotional roller coaster associated with it and the feeling of having hope and then losing it is sometimes too much to bear. I don't know how but I kept going, I always knew that this could happen for me and looking back what if I would've been defeated by everything I had gone through? I wouldn't be here now.  wouldn't have this miracle growing inside me. All the doctor appointments, medications, ultrasounds and injections was just our journey to have our miracle. And because of that journey, we will and do appreciate every moment of this and this baby will be our world. I have appreciation for how much this is truly a gift.

 It is tough... fighting infertility is probably one of the hardest things you will ever have to go through. BUT beating infertility is the most amazing experience of my life.

~blessed Kristen

Sunday, June 30, 2013

IVF, SCH update

Ultrasound 11 weeks 5 days, heartbeat 165
 Subchorionic hematoma - changed to just a sliver, way below the baby.
 EVERYTHING IS GOOD!!!!

Here is our official facebook announcement.




~Kristen

Friday, June 7, 2013

IVF... Our second ultrasound, spotting

We had an unexpected ultrasound on May 23rd. I had some spotting the day before, it was mostly brown but did seem to have some clots and tissue in it. I was scared and nervous but kept telling myself it was the empty sac. When they did my first ultrasound, they found 2 sacs, one with a heartbeat measuring correctly and one that had stopped growing at 5 weeks, 2 days. I just thought it was the second empty sac trying to pass. But, of course with everything I had to go through to get this far, there had to be another bump in the road. What they found was a subchorionic hematoma or SCH for short, I actually have 2 of them, one over each sac. I was put on strict bed rest, no work, no play. Come back in 2 weeks. From what I have found on the internet, this is very common in pregnancies, especially twin pregnancies. Baby bean looked wonderful, heartbeat of 161 measuring right on track. None the less... anxiety and worry followed me around everyday like they thought we were best friends. At this point the doctor would have prescribed, baby aspirin and progesterone, but I was already on those. The concern was, the hematoma was over the baby, if it decided to break loose... there was a chance that it would take the baby with it.
So at 8 weeks, bed rest it is!!




I would like you to meet my friend



http://opinion-forum.com/index/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/worry.jpg

What it is: Also called subchorionic hematoma, subchorionic bleeding is the accumulation of blood within the folds of the chorion (the outer fetal membrane, next to the placenta) or within the layers of the placenta itself. These bleeds, or clots, can cause the placenta to separate from the uterine wall if they get too large, if they develop in a bad spot, or if they aren’t eventually reabsorbed.

How common is it? A good 20 percent of pregnant women will experience some kind of bleeding early in pregnancy, though it’s often hard to tell what’s causing the problem. Subchorionic hematomas are even harder to pick up because they don’t always result in noticeable spotting or bleeding, especially when they’re small.

Who is most at risk? There don’t seem to be any specific risk factors for developing a subchorionic hematoma in the first place, but if you do wind up with one, there are factors that can make you more — or less — likely to have a positive outcome.

What are the symptoms? Spotting or bleeding may be a sign, often beginning in the first trimester. But many subchorionic bleeds are detected during a routine ultrasound, without there being any noticeable signs or symptoms.

Should you be concerned? You wouldn’t be normal if you didn’t worry when you see blood, no matter when it occurs in your pregnancy. And that’s actually a good thing, especially if it prompts you to get in touch with your practitioner, who can make sure there’s nothing amiss. While most subchorionic hematomas dissolve on their own, it is possible for the clot to get in between the placenta and the uterine wall, resulting in miscarriage.
 
Here’s the encouraging news: More than half of women who bleed during their first trimester go on to have perfectly healthy pregnancies. But because subchorionic hematomas have been linked to increased risk of placental abruption and preterm labor, you don’t want to ignore signs of spotting or bleeding.

What you should do: Call your practitioner; an ultrasound may be ordered to see whether there is indeed a hematoma, how large it is, and where it’s located. Depending on the findings, as well as on your practitioner’s preferences, he or she may put you on strict bed rest, insist you refrain from lifting heavy objects, and avoid exercise. In most cases, you’ll be asked to avoid sexual intercourse until the hematoma dissolves and disappears. 


~Kristen

Thursday, June 6, 2013

IVF... and it worked!!

We had our first ultrasound on May 15th. Our little bean had a heartbeat of 118.
A "heartbeat", never have we seen a heartbeat with our other 2 pregnancies. It was an unbelievable feeling. Looking back now, I was still in disbelief at the time. I did not allow myself to be happy. But, dreams really do come true!




~Kristen

Thursday, May 2, 2013

B is for Beta

Beta Beta Beta


I had my first beta 9dp5dt and it was 81.I could not let myself believe until I knew that next beta number jumped up.My RE scheduled my second one for 4 days later and it rose to........ 409!!!!Your beta should double every two days so mine needed to be at least 324 so, 409 was great. My ultrasound is set for May 15th, By this time we should be able to see/hear a heartbeat. Sometimes, it is too early to hear it but we should be able to see it by then. After 3 years of trying everything (Clomid, Femera, 3 IUI's, IVF, FET & IVF again) we have had two pregnancies but never a heartbeat. A heartbeat means a baby! After seeing a heartbeat the miscarriage rate also drops to only 7%. We need a heartbeat..


Heartbeat, Heartbeat, Heartbeat, Heartbeat, Heartbeat

 

 

Friday, April 26, 2013

IVF, I have a BFP!!

I tested 4dp5dt and got a faint positive, today is 8dp5dt and it is no longer faint!
I guess I am pregnant!! Tomorrow is my first Beta and also marks my pregnancy reaching 4 weeks!! I am ready to hear my beta number and then see it double, this cycle is all about the small victories until we can celebrate the big victory...the heartbeat!! I have tested everyday since 3dp5dt, I like to see the line get darker, so I know my HCG is increasing!!

P.S. My sock exchange buddy told me today that she also got a BFP!!
Today is a good day :)

~Kristen

Monday, April 22, 2013

The woes of two pink lines

Ok now that I have a positive, I am kinda freaking out. But I have to remember, just because I have had two miscarriages in the past year does not mean that mine will end that way again. I have to not let FEAR get a hold on me..

 The next step is testing again to see the line get darker and then my first beta on Friday. I have to celebrate the little wins. This is a WIN! And the line was so early, that means the HCG is strong..that is good. I have the right to enjoy every step of my IVF journey and celebrate every victory.
I need to remember that women have miscarriages and then have a live birth all of the time. This could be my time. Everything I want could be waiting for me
...and I'm ready

~Kristen

Sunday, April 21, 2013

Do you see what I see?

IVF women have different views about peeing on a stick. Some prefer to wait and poas the morning of their beta test, others enjoy testing everyday and hopefully seeing the line get darker and darker...I'm one of those. Please see my 4dp5dt test below:

It is quite the SQUINTER of a line. But guess what... any line counts!!!!

Wait, am I pregnant??????!!

Thursday, April 18, 2013

IVF, 5 day, Tranfer Day!!!

With my warm socks on my feet sent from my IVF buddy. My RE implanted 2 perfect grade blast. We did Assisted Hatching and you could already see them oozing out. It was a wonderful site to see. The embryos were pictured on an ultrasound and one nurse said, "Oh you're putting in 3 embryos?!" I said that we did assisted hatching so they were already coming out the shell but it really did look like 3...did one split into identical twins during the assisted hatching process?! ahhhh!!! haha just kidding, that's extremely rare. But it was oozing out the shell and it was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen! When they drop into place on the ultrasound... everyone in the room awed. They said that was "a perfect drop". I have such a good feeling this cycle. It took a while to get here but now the calm has set in. Will I pee on a stick? You bet I will!! I feel certain that I will receive a positive, My fresh IVF and my FET  worked for me both times but, both resulted in a miscarriage. We just need to make this one stick!! My RE felt the Assisted Hatching would help them to attach better and deeper. I am still taking my estrogen, the med to lower my prolactin level, my pre-natals and of course my progesterone suppositories. The last 2 cycles, I did the progesterone, 100mg twice a day but because of the miscarriages, this cycle it has been bumped up to 100mg, three times a day.


My call came from the Embryologist the next day. We had 2 perfect little embies to freeze. So now, I am just vegging on the couch until Monday when I head back to work.
Stay tuned for future test results. <3

~chillin Kristen

Monday, April 15, 2013

IVF, 3 day embryo update

Well.... can you hear my sigh of relief? 

The report this morning from our Embryologist was 6 perfect 8 cell embryos with zero fragmentation. You just don't get better than that!!! So today, I will take this one small miracle that has been offered to us and hold it tight. In two days, 2 of those little beauties will be given back to my body. It is such a gift that science has given us the technology to help us become Mother's. Today is a good day and I am thankful!

Thankful for
my wonderful husband
my supportive family
that fact that we can afford to do IVF
my classroom full of Pre-K 4 year olds, that I am missing this week
my fantastic doctor and caring embryologist
face licks from my little doggie
and the soft purr of my kitties laying next to me

Here is info on what a 3 day old embryo should look like.
IVF Quality and Grading of 3 day old embryos



 ~Kristen

IVF... quick update, time for egg retrieval!!

My E2 (Estrogen) level was 5000 Wed. April 10th.
Trigger shot that night at 10:15 pm.
Egg retrieval was Sun. morning 8:15 am. 11 eggs retrieved.
Embryo report Sat. the 13th, 7 mature eggs, 6 fertilized.
Sunday morning report... all 6 look good and on track.

I have had some pain and bloating of course but nothing too awful. Drinking lots and lots of water!!

I wanted a 3 day transfer. Which would put us doing a transfer on Monday. But after speaking with my doctor and directly with the embryologist, looks like our best bet is with a 5 day transfer. This process has worked for us both times; IFV and FET but then I also had a miscarriages both times. I am so worried about having something left to freeze. I have doomed myself before I have even begin. I need to let that go... Of course, it will be, what it will be. I need to take a more positive approach. All of my test have come back normal. NORMAL! (more for my brain, than your info) My doctor assures me that IVF will work for me!

So, now I wait some more... they call every morning with an embryo update. I am taking my steroids, antibiotics, prolactin pills, estrace, baby aspirin, prenatals, extra folic acid and eating a little pineapple core for 5 days.  And I am praying. This needs to work, this has to work!! Please, oh please.... let this work!

If you read this and have a spare moment, send good vibes my way.
Love to everyone going through this extremely stressful way to make a family.
Stay calm and believe!!
 


~waiting on transfer.... Kristen

Saturday, April 6, 2013

IVF, Bruises, Hormones, Hives and Tears

This is my second round of IVF and I didn't realize how spoiled I was with the first one because this one is rough on my body! I have been getting side effects from the lupron including fatigue, headaches and hives. The hives are terrible, they swell up for about 3 days so I have to give a shot on top of the hives because we have to rotate sides each night. You can also see the shot marks all over my now swollen stomach...I look like a pin cushion! But we all know, the physical part of this is the easiest, it is the emotional that gets us. My hormones have also been crazy!! This morning my husband said, "babe why are you about to cry?"... I just said, "I don't know...why not?!" Waaaa!!! HAHAHA. This is quite a journey ladies. So remind your husband that your hormones are crazy and remind yourself that your hormones are crazy. But this too will pass... so just focus on your next appointment and being able to see all your follicles growing strong and know that is is okay to cry and to be scared but also be hopeful and have faith. My Mom always says that we need to focus on the small victories during this process to get us through. So I will celebrate my 21 growing follicles and my great estrogen level and just be thankful that I have the opportunity to do invitro because not everyone does.

~Kristen