The blessings of life or YES, you can get pregnant on your own after IVF

We had an unexpected surprise.... I am PREGNANT!

Honestly, I wasn't ready for another baby. Having another baby meant hormones and heartache. I was happy to just enjoy being Isabelle's Mommy. Many of our friends are adding their second child but it is different when you know you will have to go through IVF to get there. So... I was spending my time getting myself back in shape. I was eating low carb no sugar, (eating the PCOS diet) going to the gym at least 3 times a week. (or more) I lost 10 pounds in about 2 months. and It was time for my yearly check up and they found my vitamin D level was low. I was taking 10,000 units for a few days and then went to 2000 a day. That was it... the Perfect Storm! My body ovulated on it's own. The first month I added the vitamin D. Can you get pregnant on your own after IVF, yes!

It is the strangest thing... who knew you could get pregnant from having unprotected sex? It took us 3 very long years to have our dream baby, life was full of hormones and shots and blood work. We knew embryo quality, we knew we had the best sperm. I still look at this picture and think... how did that baby get in there??!!

Here is our little bean, measuring 7 weeks with a heartbeat of 138.



It is funny how life happens, I thought I didn't want another child yet, but now, I can't imagine not having this one! Much love little one....

~kristen - Mommy to be... again.

BTW... When I saw those 2 lines on the test and totally freaked out! I did go immediately and have my beta numbers checked and rechecked to see if they doubled. Also started on progesterone for piece of mind and will continue until my 11-12 weeks. I contacted my infertility doctors office to verify that here was a heartbeat, after all we did not see a heartbeat on 3 of them before. (my regular OB's office could not understand my concern) They were nice enough to get me in and check for the heartbeat. I go see my regular OB in about a week. The fear of failure seems to stay even if you are blessed to get there on your own.

There are no words. Yes, infertilty is a hard journey but so worth it.

You wait and wait and wait.... having hope but somewhere inside, you never "really" believe that this will happen. Yes, you go through all the shots, all the doctor appointments, all the heartache, all the hope. But, IF you NEVER try, you will NEVER get there! Is it hard? It is soul crushing hard!

They say that IVF normally works within 3 cycles. I did get pregnant on my first two cycles but I miscarried. The fact that I did get pregnant when nothing else had worked for 3 years was like a weight lifting off my chest. When both of those pregnancies ended in a miscarriage, the weight that came back was almost too much to bear. Looking back, I never smiled, there was no joy, I was just a zombie going through day after day, doing what I was told to do because one day "maybe" it would give me the the child I so desperately wanted. My 3rd cycle also worked, did it have some bumps, you betcha. Lower beta numbers and bleeding in my 1st trimester that put me to bed. (would this be another miscarriage?) I was not the happy smiling pregnant women that you see on TV, I lived my 9 months full of fear and anxiety, waiting for the bad to come. It had to, it always had.

So, if you are reading this... be the zombie, live with the heartache, because in the end, you smile, you laugh, you giggle. One day you realize the huge gaping hole inside of you is gone. The person you were while going through the journey leaves and you do find yourself again. Only now you are sleep deprived and exhausted but.....your heart sings!

Our sweet little Isabelle at 3 months of age.

The love you will feel.... there are no words.



~kristen

She is here....

i promise to come and write my birth story soon, i really want to get it down before i forget everything but here is a little snippet of our life. (and a picture of her at the end)

Click on the link below to watch.

http://flipagram.com/f/uSGdsWHQfN

~Mommy Kristen <3

You have my nose!!!

I went for my last ultrasound yesterday, everything checked out great. Good fluid, good growth, you could see her bladder was full, so she is doing everything she is supposed to be doing. My doctor (who is absolutely wonderful) estimated her weight around 5.5 pounds. I will be 34 weeks tomorrow and I am already packing my hospital bag. No, nothing is wrong but this far along you start to hear "the stories". You know the ones... my water broke 4 weeks early, my water broke 5 weeks early. So.... I have started packing my bag and making list. I guess you can say that I have entered the "nesting" stage. Her nursery is almost finished. Just a few items left to pick up. We still need a diaper genie, which is a MUST have on one of my list.

Did I mention that I am a worrier??? I wish I could be one of those people that could say being pregnant was wonderful! It took us 3 years to get here and countless heartache. I was happy to through all the pregnancy symptoms. BRING THEM ON! :-) I finally had a little baby growing inside of me but, after my first IVF and my FET both resulted in miscarriages and the subchorionic hematoma that put me on bed-rest at 8 weeks with this little bean. I have spent most of my pregnancy worrying. Just this little nagging "what if" at the back of my brain. Now, with only 6 weeks left, I only want to have her safe and sound in my arms. I am not sure how you can love someone so much that you have never met but, my heart is so full of love for her. A happy joyous love that if I think about it too long, it makes me cry.

My sweet little Isabelle, you have my nose! <3


~Kristen

Things are counting down. Hard to believe that we are really here! We just had our baby shower, wanted to share a couple of shots of what I look like. Today I am 33 weeks and 3 day. I have my last ultrasound tomorrow morning. Last check to make sure everything looks ok with our sweet little girl.

Hubby and I.



Here is one of me peeking around the fence. :-)




And we have decided to name her Isabelle.


So... if you are out there on your own journey, DON'T GIVE UP!!
Yes, it is hard and frustrating and will break you in an instant. But if you are strong, the majority of women will be pregnant by their 3rd cycle. And you tend to forget most of it and start to feel like a regular ole pregnant person.

~happy Mommy to be, Kristen

The prayers of the heart...

We went for an early gender ultrasound, done at 14 weeks 5 days. I had been studying what the "angle of the dangle" looks like for each gender and had shown my husband numerous videos. As soon as the ultrasound tech had a close up shot I looked at my husband and we both knew.... and then she said it, It is a girl!! During my pregnancy I kept thinking that there was no way I would have a girl. During my infertility process, I would imagine myself in the hospital holding my baby girl. But now looking back, I should've known that it was a girl. I prayed and prayed so hard for a baby; a healthy baby. I wanted to finally be a Mom. But they say that God hears the prayers that we never even pray, the prayers of your heart. I have always dreamed of having a little girl, that is what I pictured in my mind when I saw myself as a Mother. Of course it is a girl, because that is the silent prayer that was never said...the true prayer of my heart <3

Mommy to be ~Kristen

IVF, ultrasound to check on subchorionic hematoma

Heatbeat of 174, baby measuring 9 weeks 3 days. <3
subchorionic hematomas, are the same size.

I have had no bleeding, spotting or cramping during the last week and a half of bed rest. My doctor moved me to modified bed rest. The truth being, it is best to rest and not overdue things but what will happen, will happen. I am going to be optimistic!! I have overcome so many bumps in the road to get this far. Most hematomas reabsorb by 20 weeks, no reason to believe that it will not happen to me. Since I am a teacher: I have the summer off to take it easy. Perfect timing! I have left worry and anxiety behind. (yes, they come over and visit but, I don't let them stay) I am 10 weeks pregnant tomorrow. It has taken 3 years to get here, my beautiful little bean is growing in his/her Mommy's tummy. And we are in joyous love with him/her.

May I introduce.... him/her.

Medicine update: I stopped my estrogen and prolactin med at 9.5 weeks.


Mommy to be ~Kristen

Happiness

Whoooooooo Hooooooooo!!!

IVF, I have a BFP!!

I tested 4dp5dt and got a faint positive, today is 8dp5dt and it is no longer faint!

I guess I am pregnant!! Tomorrow is my first Beta and also marks my pregnancy reaching 4 weeks!! I am ready to hear my beta number and then see it double, this cycle is all about the small victories until we can celebrate the big victory...the heartbeat!! I have tested everyday since 3dp5dt, I like to see the line get darker, so I know my HCG is increasing!!

P.S. My sock exchange buddy told me today that she also got a BFP!!
Today is a good day :)

~Kristen

The woes of two pink lines

Ok now that I have a positive, I am kinda freaking out. But I have to remember, just because I have had two miscarriages in the past year does not mean that mine will end that way again. I have to not let FEAR get a hold on me..

 The next step is testing again to see the line get darker and then my first beta on Friday. I have to celebrate the little wins. This is a WIN! And the line was so early, that means the HCG is strong..that is good. I have the right to enjoy every step of my IVF journey and celebrate every victory.

I need to remember that women have miscarriages and then have a live birth all of the time. This could be my time. Everything I want could be waiting for me
...and I'm ready

~Kristen

IVF, 5 day, Tranfer Day!!!

With my warm socks on my feet sent from my IVF buddy. My RE implanted 2 perfect grade blast. We did Assisted Hatching and you could already see them oozing out. It was a wonderful site to see. The embryos were pictured on an ultrasound and one nurse said, "Oh you're putting in 3 embryos?!" I said that we did assisted hatching so they were already coming out the shell but it really did look like 3...did one split into identical twins during the assisted hatching process?! ahhhh!!! haha just kidding, that's extremely rare. But it was oozing out the shell and it was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen! When they drop into place on the ultrasound... everyone in the room awed. They said that was "a perfect drop". I have such a good feeling this cycle. It took a while to get here but now the calm has set in. Will I pee on a stick? You bet I will!! I feel certain that I will receive a positive, My fresh IVF and my FET  worked for me both times but, both resulted in a miscarriage. We just need to make this one stick!! My RE felt the Assisted Hatching would help them to attach better and deeper. I am still taking my estrogen, the med to lower my prolactin level, my pre-natals and of course my progesterone suppositories. The last 2 cycles, I did the progesterone, 100mg twice a day but because of the miscarriages, this cycle it has been bumped up to 100mg, three times a day.


My call came from the Embryologist the next day. We had 2 perfect little embies to freeze. So now, I am just vegging on the couch until Monday when I head back to work.
Stay tuned for future test results. <3

~chillin Kristen

IVF... quick update, time for egg retrieval!!

My E2 (Estrogen) level was 5000 Wed. April 10th.
Trigger shot that night at 10:15 pm.
Egg retrieval was Sun. morning 8:15 am. 11 eggs retrieved.
Embryo report Sat. the 13th, 7 mature eggs, 6 fertilized.
Sunday morning report... all 6 look good and on track.

I have had some pain and bloating of course but nothing too awful. Drinking lots and lots of water!!

I wanted a 3 day transfer. Which would put us doing a transfer on Monday. But after speaking with my doctor and directly with the embryologist, looks like our best bet is with a 5 day transfer. This process has worked for us both times; IFV and FET but then I also had a miscarriages both times. I am so worried about having something left to freeze. I have doomed myself before I have even begin. I need to let that go... Of course, it will be, what it will be. I need to take a more positive approach. All of my test have come back normal. NORMAL! (more for my brain, than your info) My doctor assures me that IVF will work for me!

So, now I wait some more... they call every morning with an embryo update. I am taking my steroids, antibiotics, prolactin pills, estrace, baby aspirin, prenatals, extra folic acid and eating a little pineapple core for 5 days.  And I am praying. This needs to work, this has to work!! Please, oh please.... let this work!

If you read this and have a spare moment, send good vibes my way.
Love to everyone going through this extremely stressful way to make a family.
Stay calm and believe!!
 


~waiting on transfer.... Kristen

IVF, Infertility Sucks!

-You have been betrayed by your own body
-I feel broken inside
-It changes you
-You plan, you fail, you plan again, you fail 
-Fear of the "what if", what if it never happens
-Seeing a newborn now causes you pain
-Every month, you die a little inside
-My life is medication, appointments and shots
-You cry tears of broken dreams
-You pray 
-You WAIT, you wait to start meds, you wait to see if the follicles are growing, you wait to see how many eggs they retrieved, you wait to see if they fertilized, you wait to see if they are growing and dividing normally, you wait for the transfer day, you wait to see if it worked this time, you wait to see if you miscarry again...

Then you take a deep breath, hold your head up high
And try to be strong yet again

But, when my life feels beyond hard, I hold the hand of the person that loves me most
And I am thankful



~Kristen

My first beta...

When i first did IVF in May, my first beta was taken 14 days past 5 day transfer and it was 80. Today was my first beta after my FET and it was 12 days after 5 day transfer and it was 388!!!!!! Wow!!! Naturally I am extremely nervous about this pregnancy since I just had a miscarriage 4 months ago but man, that's a good number. I just want to let myself be happy and excited about this pregnancy. I am so envious of those women who take a home pregnancy test, get a positive and just announce it to the world with no worries at all. With my last pregnancy, I was cautious about letting myself get excited and prepared myself for the possibility of the worst and then the worst happen. And it was nice to be mentally prepared so I wasn't devastated into a deep depression but damn, I just want to be happy this time...I don't want to think about the worst. So, i decided that I am just going to be happy and enjoy the moment because right now in this moment.. I AM PREGNANT and I got a great beta today and after all of this, I deserve to be happy :) I searched for what hcg levels should be in what week and found this chart, hope it helps if anyone is wondering for their own number. Today I am 4 weeks 3 days. I found this website that can calculate expected due date for IVF/FET pregnancies:
~Kristen

http://www.ivf-infertility.com/calc_preg.php

FET, Frozen Embryo Transfer Time

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When im at the grocery store or the park or an LSU game or just about anywhere and I see a young family, I can’t help but to imagine how my own family will be one day. My battle with infertility makes so many things difficult. There is no trying to plan the right time to have a baby, no being able to make a baby by just having a pure intimate moment with my husband or having the wonderful surprise of a missed period that results in something magical that can change your life forever. My life takes doctors, medications, appointments and a lot of money. And to this day, there is still no baby. But there is still hope. I know that no matter when or how that moment will finally come, I will be one hell of a Mom. My Husband and I have such an amazing and strong relationship, the idea of raising a child together to be half of each of us is such a mesmerizing thought. I cannot wait to have that experience with him. He is the most amazing man I have ever met and I know with all my heart that he will also be the best dad I’ve ever known. I’m ready to have a baby for so many reasons and I cannot wait until I have my own little family.  And at the end of this month, I will begin the process to have my frozen embryo transfer and I pray with all my heart that I will finally have my miracle. I am ready to see my husband as a Father and to finally be a Mother and to have our happy ending that completes us. I only have two frozen embryos, so I need it to work. Please work!!!! Pray with me people, i need it! ;)

Ultrasound day

The ultrasound tech was out for the day so my RE did the scan. I really like the ultrasound tech, she is amazing. She always explains everything and is so knowledgeable. It was nice for my RE to be there to do it, you can tell that he gets involved in the process and really enjoys happy endings. After IVF, you have an ultrasound very early on, this is to see how many babies are there (since most people transfer more than one embryo) and to ensure that everything looks like it has implanted and is growing successfully. I am not sure how far along I am at this point, i think when he measured the crown to rump, the screen said 5 weeks 4 days. He said it was probably too early to find the heartbeat and was right. He said it was like trying to find a heartbeat on a grain of rice. He did say that the yolk sac, and my lining looked excellent. There is this wall that makes a circle around the baby and mine was thick and strong. He said this was the cushion that protected the baby so it was very important that it looked strong and that is the things he looks for most at this stage. I go back in two weeks to hear the heartbeat then i get released to my normal obgyn. At this point, it still doesn't feel real. Every now and then i will stop and think about it and the thought is overwhelming. To think that it worked, i have a baby growing in my belly...it's just amazingly beautiful. I keep praying that the baby will continue to grow and become our healthy, perfect child. I will feel better when it is 12 weeks and the miscarriage rate drops 80%. I guess i feel like since it was so hard to get pregnant then why would my pregnancy not be hard also? I know, realistically, that there is no relation between the two. I just continue to pray and I let myself imagine this working. I imagine how amazing it will feel to grow my child in my belly. A child that is half mine and half the man who is my best friend, that we will each be half of a human being. I cry a lot, just thinking how wonderful it will be to have our own family :) Ultrasound in 2 weeks, i'm ready to hear a heartbeat, i think that will make me feel more confident and maybe give me some peace of mind. Thank you Lord for my miracle. I thank you everyday.

Beta Numbers

IVF Beta Numbers, the good, the bad, the heck if I know!

My first beta number came back at 80, got the call and its official... I am Pregnant! We have waited so very long to hear those words. I cannot believe that those words are real. The Charting everyday, then Clomid, then Femara, next the IUI's, then finally IVF.

I found this great site to give you incite into beta numbers. 16 days past ovulation and hcg numbers. BUT remember that when they test you after IUI or IVF, it will be earlier than a women that would have normally missed her period so the number will most probably be lower than the first number on the chart. It seems there is no right or wrong. Every woman will have different numbers, i have found numerous articles that say not to obsess over these numbers. (Obviously we obsess about every little thing at this point but they say to try not too).

So my next two betas were not as good as the doctor would have liked to have seen. He said since it was still early on, it shouldn't double but atleast increase by 60%. My second beta increased by about 40% and my third increased by 60%. Am I worried.... I am terrified. I know they have to prepare you for the worst just incase but I would like to not spend every minute of my day worried that my next beta won't be high enough and my miracle will be over.  I go back Tuesday for another one. The numbers always went up, never down. And by the info from the link above, I should be fine. I also found out that dehydration can effect the hcg levels and I have most certainly been dehydrated.

But as of now, I am pregnant. I keep telling myself, I am pregnant. I have a little sesame seed growing inside of me. I hope and pray that it stays there safe and sound. I am still trying not to get too excited or plan too much imaging what my beautiful family will look like and feel like. My Husband is getting so excited too, which makes me feel even more pressure to keep this baby growing inside me (like i have any control) but it still feels like my job and I would be letting everyone down. I am so very thankful for my miracle and now i just wait for my happy ending. Beta in two days...think high numbers!!!

IVF, Am I pregnant?

I decided that i had to try and go to work, only to throw up  numerous times before I left home and twice when I got there, I had to sit with the trash can next to me. Finally, I had to give up and come home. Well at the time, I didn't know it was the OHSS symptoms, the fluid is pressing on all of my organs which was causing me to keep having to throw up. So when I got home, I gave in and peed on a stick, I thought maybe this could be morning sickness? Before i took the test I kept telling myself..its still too early..its still too early...don't be disappointed.  It was instant, there were two pink lines! It was Positive! I just kept saying "I never had two lines before, i never had two lines before". Me, my mom and sister were crying and i kept repeating, "its two, i've never seen two lines before". I said "I have to tell Dustin". We all piled into the car and drove so I could show Dustin while he was at work, I called him to come outside and tried to act normal...then i showed him the test :) My sister video taped the whole thing.