38 weeks!!!

38 weeks!!  I am excited, nervous and freaking out a little.
Dilated 1cm and 50% effaced.

Here are a few of our maternity pictures....







ready to get this show on the road!!
~kristen

IVF, 5 day, Tranfer Day!!!

With my warm socks on my feet sent from my IVF buddy. My RE implanted 2 perfect grade blast. We did Assisted Hatching and you could already see them oozing out. It was a wonderful site to see. The embryos were pictured on an ultrasound and one nurse said, "Oh you're putting in 3 embryos?!" I said that we did assisted hatching so they were already coming out the shell but it really did look like 3...did one split into identical twins during the assisted hatching process?! ahhhh!!! haha just kidding, that's extremely rare. But it was oozing out the shell and it was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen! When they drop into place on the ultrasound... everyone in the room awed. They said that was "a perfect drop". I have such a good feeling this cycle. It took a while to get here but now the calm has set in. Will I pee on a stick? You bet I will!! I feel certain that I will receive a positive, My fresh IVF and my FET  worked for me both times but, both resulted in a miscarriage. We just need to make this one stick!! My RE felt the Assisted Hatching would help them to attach better and deeper. I am still taking my estrogen, the med to lower my prolactin level, my pre-natals and of course my progesterone suppositories. The last 2 cycles, I did the progesterone, 100mg twice a day but because of the miscarriages, this cycle it has been bumped up to 100mg, three times a day.


My call came from the Embryologist the next day. We had 2 perfect little embies to freeze. So now, I am just vegging on the couch until Monday when I head back to work.
Stay tuned for future test results. <3

~chillin Kristen

IVF, 3 day embryo update

Well.... can you hear my sigh of relief? 

The report this morning from our Embryologist was 6 perfect 8 cell embryos with zero fragmentation. You just don't get better than that!!! So today, I will take this one small miracle that has been offered to us and hold it tight. In two days, 2 of those little beauties will be given back to my body. It is such a gift that science has given us the technology to help us become Mother's. Today is a good day and I am thankful!

Thankful for
my wonderful husband
my supportive family
that fact that we can afford to do IVF
my classroom full of Pre-K 4 year olds, that I am missing this week
my fantastic doctor and caring embryologist
face licks from my little doggie
and the soft purr of my kitties laying next to me

Here is info on what a 3 day old embryo should look like.
IVF Quality and Grading of 3 day old embryos



 ~Kristen

IVF... quick update, time for egg retrieval!!

My E2 (Estrogen) level was 5000 Wed. April 10th.
Trigger shot that night at 10:15 pm.
Egg retrieval was Sun. morning 8:15 am. 11 eggs retrieved.
Embryo report Sat. the 13th, 7 mature eggs, 6 fertilized.
Sunday morning report... all 6 look good and on track.

I have had some pain and bloating of course but nothing too awful. Drinking lots and lots of water!!

I wanted a 3 day transfer. Which would put us doing a transfer on Monday. But after speaking with my doctor and directly with the embryologist, looks like our best bet is with a 5 day transfer. This process has worked for us both times; IFV and FET but then I also had a miscarriages both times. I am so worried about having something left to freeze. I have doomed myself before I have even begin. I need to let that go... Of course, it will be, what it will be. I need to take a more positive approach. All of my test have come back normal. NORMAL! (more for my brain, than your info) My doctor assures me that IVF will work for me!

So, now I wait some more... they call every morning with an embryo update. I am taking my steroids, antibiotics, prolactin pills, estrace, baby aspirin, prenatals, extra folic acid and eating a little pineapple core for 5 days.  And I am praying. This needs to work, this has to work!! Please, oh please.... let this work!

If you read this and have a spare moment, send good vibes my way.
Love to everyone going through this extremely stressful way to make a family.
Stay calm and believe!!
 


~waiting on transfer.... Kristen

IVF, Infertility Sucks!

-You have been betrayed by your own body
-I feel broken inside
-It changes you
-You plan, you fail, you plan again, you fail 
-Fear of the "what if", what if it never happens
-Seeing a newborn now causes you pain
-Every month, you die a little inside
-My life is medication, appointments and shots
-You cry tears of broken dreams
-You pray 
-You WAIT, you wait to start meds, you wait to see if the follicles are growing, you wait to see how many eggs they retrieved, you wait to see if they fertilized, you wait to see if they are growing and dividing normally, you wait for the transfer day, you wait to see if it worked this time, you wait to see if you miscarry again...

Then you take a deep breath, hold your head up high
And try to be strong yet again

But, when my life feels beyond hard, I hold the hand of the person that loves me most
And I am thankful



~Kristen

Third time is the charm..right guys?!

Hello all, long time no write

It is that time again... Invitro time. This will be my second IVF cycle and my third cycle in all, including a frozen cycle. Last year in April I did my first IVF cycle and now in April this year, I will be doing my second IVF cycle.

I went in today and talked to my RE; my protocol for IVF #2 will change in the doses of medicine (since last time I made 27 eggs and was extremely overstimulated) and this time, they will be performing assistant hatching on my embryos. I looked up assistant hatching today online but this is how my RE explained it. My embryos are implanting and I am getting pregnant, I am just not staying pregnant. Assisted hatching will remove the outer layer of the embryo to hopefully help it implant better which will hopefully make it stick. I asked my RE if he could squirt some super glue in there before the embryo transfer but he didnt think that was a good idea ;)

I start my follistim on March 25th and stimming on April 1st

I feel surprisingly optimistic since nothing has ever been found to cause our infertility and I am getting pregnant but miscarrying; I just feel like it is a numbers game at this point. It is just how many times will it take before it works and sticks?? Sooner or later it will stay... so now we just hope that is it sooner and not later

Will will beat the dreaded "Infertility Monster"!

~Kristen

IVF, Miscarriage #2

I started spotting on Thursday and it felt like my world was ending. My beta numbers had been so high that I thought maybe I was having two. Which gave us twice the chance to end up with one baby. We went for an ultrasound on Monday and it showed that there was still a baby in there, we did another beta and the number had dropped. I stopped all my progesterone and estrogen and had a natural miscarriage at home. And now I am trying to just survive every day and not feel like all hope is lost. With my first miscarriage, I could make excuses on why it didn't work and still be hopeful to try again but after the second one...I am pretty terrified that it will never work. The feeling is overwhelming, it is effecting every aspect of my life. I am sad, very very sad. I feel like I'm hitting rock bottom, which is hard for me because I am such a positive person. And now, I just want this to be over. I was so motivated to do whatever it took for us to have our baby and now I am just ready to stop obsessing about this everyday. I can't imagine how it would feel to have a month that isn't disappointing. For the past 2 1/2 years, I have had hope and got let down every single month. It is truly emotionally exhausting. In my state, you cannot adopt locally until you've been married for 3 years, you can only do an overseas adoption. I never thought I would feel like this, I thought I would fight to the end and never give up but I just want a baby, a baby to love and give my everything to, i am just so ready. I am just feeling lost and sad and terrified that we will do invitro again and get the same devastating result. I have an appointment with my RE on December 19 to discuss our next step, which we have decided to spend another $14, 000 and do invitro again. I just can't imagine if I end up having another miscarriage, or how I am suppose to survive if this happens again...but I can't give up yet on having my own baby... I won't give up yet. The only thing to do when you have reached rock bottom, is to pick yourself up. I am ready to pick myself up...

~Kristen

She turned her can'ts into cans and her dreams into plans

I called my RE today and they are in the middle of a FET/IVF cycle now and there will not be another one until January. But since i start my period in a week, i can still make this cycle. THANK GOD! I can't imagine having to wait until January...i would be crushed. I will call next week when my period starts to begin my birth control. I'm ready to make this work! I have heard good things about the success rate of Frozen Embryo Transfers and my friend even sent me this link to an article saying that Frozen Embryos may result in healthier babies

http://m.guardian.co.uk/science/2012/sep/04/ivf-embryos-frozen-healthier-babies?cat=science&type=article

With the new day comes new strength and new thoughts. -Eleanor Roosevelt

Life is good again. Not great but its easier to enjoy the little things. I am trying to track my ovulation which who knows if that is a good thing or a bad thing because it leads to many questions. Can I even track my ovulation? Is tracking my ovulation going to make me crazy because why would there be any chance that i could just get pregnant on my own now? Or is it making it better because it reminds me of when we first got married? That was before the word "infertility" was in my life. Before i was a human encyclopedia of definitions and statistics based on age and fertility. It was the beginning and it was full of hopes and dreams that had yet to be crushed by infertility. No IVF, no injections, no IUI, no femera, no clomid. Just a thermometer, ovulation detections strips and a lot of sex. This week has been like the old days, when my biggest fertility worry was trying to decide if my ovulation strip line is dark enough to call ovulation and hoping that maybe it is. It feels good to hope and dream again. Even though i will always remain cautious because of past events. But a little dreaming is better than none at all. Dreaming is a luxury that infertility takes from you. It takes your hopes and dreams and makes you doubt everything. It makes planning seem impossible, because "we might have a baby by then". But i wont let it win, I will continue to dream and we will get our family. I am a dreamer but I'm not the only one.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
 -Eleanor Roosevelt

 Dream a little dream for me...

Ultrasound day

The ultrasound tech was out for the day so my RE did the scan. I really like the ultrasound tech, she is amazing. She always explains everything and is so knowledgeable. It was nice for my RE to be there to do it, you can tell that he gets involved in the process and really enjoys happy endings. After IVF, you have an ultrasound very early on, this is to see how many babies are there (since most people transfer more than one embryo) and to ensure that everything looks like it has implanted and is growing successfully. I am not sure how far along I am at this point, i think when he measured the crown to rump, the screen said 5 weeks 4 days. He said it was probably too early to find the heartbeat and was right. He said it was like trying to find a heartbeat on a grain of rice. He did say that the yolk sac, and my lining looked excellent. There is this wall that makes a circle around the baby and mine was thick and strong. He said this was the cushion that protected the baby so it was very important that it looked strong and that is the things he looks for most at this stage. I go back in two weeks to hear the heartbeat then i get released to my normal obgyn. At this point, it still doesn't feel real. Every now and then i will stop and think about it and the thought is overwhelming. To think that it worked, i have a baby growing in my belly...it's just amazingly beautiful. I keep praying that the baby will continue to grow and become our healthy, perfect child. I will feel better when it is 12 weeks and the miscarriage rate drops 80%. I guess i feel like since it was so hard to get pregnant then why would my pregnancy not be hard also? I know, realistically, that there is no relation between the two. I just continue to pray and I let myself imagine this working. I imagine how amazing it will feel to grow my child in my belly. A child that is half mine and half the man who is my best friend, that we will each be half of a human being. I cry a lot, just thinking how wonderful it will be to have our own family :) Ultrasound in 2 weeks, i'm ready to hear a heartbeat, i think that will make me feel more confident and maybe give me some peace of mind. Thank you Lord for my miracle. I thank you everyday.

Retrieval week sickness :(

I had my IVF egg retrieval on Monday and i didn't feel that terrible after. I had some severe cramping but that was about it. I was taking Tylenol every 4 hours and using my heating pad around the clock. On Wednesday, I started to go down hill fast. From Wednesday to Saturday i felt like i was dying. I was cramping, throwing up, extremely weak, dizzy and wanted to cry. I couldn't keep anything down but then again was weak from the lack of food and water..it was an endless cycle. My husband was very worried and kept telling me to call the doctor saying, "this can't be normal". And yes, i was also thinking that this could not be normal but I was afraid that if they knew how sick I was that they wouldn't do my transfer and everything would be wasted...no fresh embryo cycle..just a frozen cycle in a few months. That idea was an even worse feeling then my sickness. I called my RE on Thursday and they called me in some prescription nausea medicine that they prescribe to chemo patients. They wanted me to call back the next day and update them before my transfer because they wouldn't want to do the transfer if i was throwing up since i wasn't suppose to be straining after. My RE's office closes at noon on Fridays. I called at 10:30 and was pleased to say that i had not thrown up again since yesterday, my transfer appointment was set for 8:15 the next morning...this was going to happen. I wish i felt good enough to enjoy that feeling, that afternoon i started throwing up again...now i just prayed that i would feel better for my transfer day tomorrow, the moment i had been waiting for all this time.

27 Eggs!!!

My IVF journey continues.. 
I had my egg retrieval yesterday morning and let me just say that i was terrified!! I never had an i.v. or anesthesia before and i was not sure what to expect. And of course, it wasn't bad at all. The nurse was amazing and the i.v. went in great then we sat and waited for our turn in the surgical room. I remembered being wheeled into the surgical room and walking to a table and putting my feet in the stirrups, then the anesthesiologist said he would give me something to feel relaxed but not to fall asleep yet and i don't remember one thing after that until i woke up back in my room. The procedure took about 25 minutes to complete.  My husband said that i was already in my room for about 20 minutes but i don't remember any of that time. He said that with all those drugs i seemed wasted and that it was hilarious. He said that i asked how many eggs we got and he said 27. And then i said, "27 holy shit, that's a lot. Give me five mouther fucka". Yeah..i do not usually talk like that and this was with the Dr and Nurses still in there. (had to be the drugs)  Haha. At least we have something to laugh about, we always have something to laugh about :) We have been working for this moment for over a month, the egg retrieval, and i had 27 eggs....hell yeah!!!!!!